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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Wisconsin Rules! Fuck Your State!

My name is G. Ted Theewen and I'm a proud Regionalist and State Supremacist!

Wisconsin Pride, State Wide!

I've noticed that just about everything I've written has taken place in Wisconsin.  Unless, of course, you include that zombie novel.  That took place in Rockford because I really hate that city and thought a dystopian future suited such a manure pit.  Nothing made me happier than to have a bunch of oozing, puss-dripping people mope around in a city commonly called Crackford. 

Sure, I was born and raised in Illinois but it never felt right.  Illinois is a confusing place.  Chicago is full of aggressive, angry people who want to be New Englanders without the high taxes.  They're snooty and arrogant.  They look down at at the rest of the state. 

Except for those goofy assholes in Galena.  General Grant was born there and I can understand his tendencies towards drunken brawling.  Galena would be a pain in the ass to live in if you had to rely on horses.  I hate driving up and down those hills.  Walking?  Forget about it! 

Wisconsin is full of genuine people.  It's beautiful country with excellent lakes and streams.  And the beer is bloody awesome.  I dare anybody to drink New Glarus Brewery's Spotted Cow and not want to dive into a vat of it.  Of course, they don't export out of the state, because it's too good for most of you non-Wisconsin pukes.

I laughed evilly as I wrote that last sentence.  I really did.  And my friends in Wisconsin also laughed as they read it.  Not because it was funny, but because they hate you too.

Wisconsin is clean.  Sure, half the state has been clear-cut at one point and most of the Native tribes are either living off casino money or have to rely on Wikipedia to find out their heritage, but that's not important.

We're more awesomer than you!

I live in a state where a man was caught by Conservation Officers having sex with a dead deer--and they left him alone to do it.  Damned right!  He was legal to hunt it, shoot it and have sex with it afterwards.  None of your uppity moral laws for us, god dammit!

In the movie 2012 we were the last state left standing after the End of the World.  That's right, Bubba--even the apocalypse can't take us out. 

Who is better than us?  Iowa?  They might be the future birthplace of Capt. Kirk, but we have Tookie Wartooth and Dethklok has already outsold William Shatner's and Leonard Nimoy's records combined.

And my former prison, Illinois?  Between the corrupt state cops and their pathological need to lie about everything and the spendthrift government, they have nothing to brag about.  Lincoln?  He's long dead and never went back to Illinois once he left.  Oh, and fewer of Wisconsin's governors have been to prison.

Joe R. Lansdale writes about his native East Texas.  Good, he should.  Texans are silly and fun to write about.  Between H. B. Fox and Mr. Lansdale, I know I never want to go to Texas--ever.  Texan men are pissier than drag queens with a broken heel.  You cannot talk sense with a Texan.  He'll say something stupid, like, "the sun rises in the west and sets in the east."  Now of course, we all know that's wrong, but he doesn't.  And even if you take him outside to show him, he'll still keep arguing the point, until he gets butthurt and stomps off.  I'll avoid Texas unless I'm going to Mexico for some um...well, I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason to go to Mexico but I just can't think of one right now.

Stephen King is famous for writing about Maine.  I didn't even know they were a state until I discovered him in 5th grade.  I always figured Maine was some kind of island that belonged to Canada or was part of the country of Newfoundland.  Seriously.  Has anybody ever met a person from Maine?  I haven't.  I met a Newfie once, though.  Couldn't understand a fucking word he said.  It was like he had a broken jaw and his mouth was full of Saltine crackers.  I've met Cuban boat people who could speak better English.  

And I thank the gods we're not Massholes or Connectcunts.  I've never heard so many people go on and on about how badly they want to be kicked in the face.  Every time I talk to a somebody from one of those states I always imagine a person from a Faulkner novel or short story.  Some old, miserable and partially inbred jerk from a once-proud family living in a derelict house and surrounded by decay.  They want you to respect them but every time they speak the words get clouded by their attitude and it comes out, "kick me in the face, kick me in the face.  Grr, I'm angry and miserable that I can't pronounce the letter 'R' so I'm going to give you attitude."

And at least we're not Minnesotans.  I know some folks who do great impressions of people from Minnesota.  First, you stick something up your backside and clench on it as hard as you can, as if you can make it into a diamond.  Then, you remind yourself of how every one of your professional and college sports teams totally suck ass.  Finally, you realize most of your popular elected officials are little more than circus clowns and you're ready to be a Minnesotan.

Or Ohio.  Let's just leave it that, okay?   I'm sure their envy of Michigan is partially to blame.  Cleveland or Detroit?  Flip a coin and if it lands in shit, you live in either state.  And I just can't seem to respect a state that allows itself to be the dumping ground for Pennsylvania's rejects. 

So yes, I write about Wisconsin.  Glorious, beautiful, majestic Wisconsin.  Land of the best beer and cheese in the world.  Land of great lakes, smart kids and quirky old men who tell surreal jokes that don't offend anybody.  Wisconsin is the land of Sven and Ole, two Norwegians who always seem to get themselves into funny situations.  Birthplace of Georgia O'Keefe, Frank Lloyd Wright and Willem Defoe!

What do Vallentin Blatz, Frederick Pabst and Joseph Schlitz all have in common?  Born in Wisconsin, baby!

Ed Gein set the trend for hundreds like him right here in The Dairy State.  

Hail Wisconsin!  Our state can out-drink your state, our women are better deer hunters than most men, and our teachers are paid like New York Yankees.

Cheese Power!  Cheese Power!  Cheese Power! 

4 comments:

  1. Wasn't Ed Gein a serial killer?


    Also, you have - or had, at least - Brett Favre. That right there should count against you.

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  2. Ted, you bring up many valid points about where ever the fuck your from. We call you all "Cheeseheads", but to be fair, that includes you, and Canadians and where ever the hell "Lavern and Shirley" was set. Shit bro, aren't you next to Detroit? So how fun is that? I have one place for you, Washington state. The best damn place ever. Specifically Alki Point and by extension West Seattle. We have all the same timber as you, only Bill Boeing moved from where you are to where I am, cause it's better here. And that turned out good over all. So, really we have more wood then you. We have better Hops, and so better beer then you. Also the Hop's cousin, Marijuana is legal for recreational use here. We have awesome seafood. Much better then San Francisco, I was there recently, it was bad. Best food on the Wharf is In and Out (burgers). Oh we have Microsoft. Love 'em or hate 'em, they have made more millionaires the the lottery. We have Keyport, ever heard of Keyport? It's where most of the nuclear weapons in the Navy's inventory are, cause we can kick ass in an apocalyptic way. We are home to: Jimi Hendrix, Heart and Queensrych, I apologize for grunge. So to sum up, if your east of the Rockies or south of the Columbia River you can suck it.

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  3. Lmao, Ted. Loved this post. But you forgot a claim to fame: the Hodag. How you could have left the Hodag out of your masterful treatise on Wisconsin's greatness, I have no idea. The people I know in Rhinelander would be greatly disappointed, you know.

    Are you sure you write horror and not comedy. Cause, seriously, you have missed your calling.

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  4. Thank God you're not a Californian either. tee hee! :)

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