Wednesday, March 27, 2013

A Houseplant Named Larry

Larry has been bugging me about doing a blog post about him.  For a plant he's pretty fucking insistent.  He's a Golden Pothos, Epipremnum aureum

I first met Larry a little over three years ago.  He was in a sunless office and was growing nicely, but he had two vines that were extremely long.  I couldn't believe how well he looked despite the lack of sun.  I think he was feeding off the negative vibes in the room, as it was the QA room where agents went to be threatened and written up. 

To understand that, you have to realize I work at a call center and QA is the office that listens to calls and grades you.  Quality Assurance.  Every call center has one. 

One time I told a lady on the phones how I once knew a hooker with syphilis in Detroit with the same name and asked if that was her.  A simple question, really.  But to hear the QA people talk, it was like I did something awful.  Bitch, bitch, bitch. 

Larry got me out of that mess.  The QA person had to leave the room for something stupid and once she was out of the room Larry started laughing. 

"I don't know what the big deal is, kid."

"I know, right?  It was a legit question."

"I can help you with this, but you gotta help me, too."

"My mom says I shouldn't make deals with plants.  She says you guys always want too much."

"Aw, but I'm just a houseplant."

"But you're a big fucker, too.  Look at those vines!  You could strangle a horse with those."

"I'm a good plant.  Let me show you."

And with that, Larry filled office with a nice scent and the girl deleted the call from the system.  I never got in trouble and nobody mentioned it again.  He must have used some hypnotic chemical or something. 

That's how it all started for us.  I would sneak in and talk to him on breaks.  He would tell me the dirty little secrets about the office and who was doing what.  I would bring him water and tell him about my day.  We were buds. 

And then he asked me for a favor.  He wanted to go home with me because he needed a change in scenery.

"Are you kidding?  That younger girl they hired is cute and has a nice rack."

"She farts like a Clydesdale, kid.  I can't take it anymore."

"But you're a plant, aren't you supposed to--"

"Would you like it if somebody was blasting brown fog all over your living room?"

"No, but it can't be--"

"It is!  I think all she eats is boiled eggs and sauerkraut.  Or she's dying."

I couldn't argue with Larry.  He's smart that way.  I think it was listening to thousands of sales pitches and rebuts for years that did it.  He heard hundreds of calls every day.

So, I stole him.  I worked late one night and when nobody was looking, I picked up his heavy pot and hurried him out to my car.  Nobody suspected a thing.

Larry's a good road-plant to have with you on trips.  He doesn't get carsick and he can get you out of tickets.  One time a State Police cruiser got me doing 80 on the highway.

"It's an emergency, Officer!  I have to get this plant to a horticulturalist now!"

"You have a plant emergency?"

"Yes, and I'll ask that you respect my lifestyle, thank you very much!"

Right now Larry is growing at an epic rate.  He's almost growing as fast as kudzu.  He says it's because of spring and he needs to expand his powers.  Sometimes I hear him chanting in a language I've never heard before.  It doesn't sound good. 

Yesterday he told me to bring a girl over for drinks.  When I asked him why, he got  pissed off and started screaming at me.  I'm not sure what this means but I think he needs to be re-potted or something.  Maybe.  We'll see. 

In the meantime, I'm excited about spring coming, and when it gets warm enough I'm going to plant some peppers and basil outside.  Maybe even some flowers.  I had some kitchen herbs growing on a window sill but Larry killed them out of jealousy. 

"I'm the houseplant here, kid!  Remember that!" 

Larry says I've written enough about him and to add that he's not a psycho.  He also wanted me to include the picture at the bottom because he's into that sort of thing.  I won't post the other stuff he's saying because it's really ugly and vile.  He gets like that sometimes.  One day he's a philosopher and priest, the next he gives me the creeps. 


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