Sunday, March 24, 2013

First Ice Cream, Then Oblivion

Our desires are always the pathways to hell.  The Seven Deadly Sins are merely forms desire takes as it filters deep into our souls and manifests as an obsession.   I've gotten good at resisting many of those Seven but from time to time something is spawned with a singular mission. 

Today at the store I ran into a bit of a problem.  Ice cream was on sale.  And it wasn't one of those "sales" where they jack the price up then put a sticker on it to mark it down to regular price.  Nope.  This was a bona fide sale where the ice cream, a good brand, was marked down nearly 50% from the regular rates.  To make matters worse, it was for the good flavors, not the shitty ones nobody eats.  Massive containers of chocolate almond fudge and double-fudge chunk were lined up at eye-level.  

This was my fault.  Mea Culpa.  I told myself to scan the dessert section because sometimes they had sugar-free frozen fruit pops on sale.  You know, the ones that you can make at home with better fruit for a quarter of the price?  Yeah, I told myself I was scanning the ice cream section for those.  It's like going through the red-light districts I found when I lived in Asia. 

And that's when the ice cream started to talk to me. 

"Hey handsome, want a good time?" 

"You're ice cream and I shouldn't take you home." 

"Aw, why would you say that?  Don't you like me?"  As a man with a big heart, I have no defense against pouty lips.

"Oh, it's not that at all.  It's just that..."

"Just what?"

"Well, I'm in training for that triathalon and pretty soon the Olympic trials are going to be announced.  I need to be ready."

"The Olympics?"

"Yeah, they're in Rio this time."

"It's tough being here all alone.  And I don't even know why I'm here.  I'm a good brand of ice cream and only freaks and weirdos don't like chocolate."

"I know.  Some people just want to watch the world burn."

"You think I'm a good ice cream flavor, don't you?"


"And I'm from a good company with quality natural ingredients?"


"I tell you what--take me home and you can share me with your girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend."  And as soon as I said that, I knew it was a mistake.  The ice cream had me.  A smile spread across its face.  It was the same smile a commissioned salesperson at a clothing store has while a burn victim tries on dresses.  

"That must be very lonely.  I can help with that."

"No, that's not a good idea."

"Why?  I can show you love." 

"I should go."  And I really did take a step away from the freezer.  One step, really. 

"Where?  To an empty apartment?  Why the rush to go home alone?" 

"I'm fine.  And I might be dating somebody very soon."

"Oh?  Who?"

"Somebody I work with.  She's beautiful and smart.  I just need to lose a few--"

"Ted.  You know she doesn't care about you."

"Shut up!  She does, too!  You don't know!"

"I do know.  I know you try and try to talk to her and she just walks away every time."

"She's a busy person and--"

"Not too busy to talk to other men.  She gets along just fine with them."

"Shut up!  Once I drop a few--"

"A few?  Really?  Have you looked at yourself lately?"

"Fuck you!  I'm a good catch!  I'm smart and funny and--"

"Don't forget alone.  Because this has happened before, hasn't it?  How many have there been?  That crush-of-the-moment?"


"So each of them has ignored you, put you in their friend-zone or stood you up.  How many even still talk to you?"

"That's different.  Once I lose a few--"

"And that one moved back to town and didn't even tell you.  That had to hurt."

"I thought that maybe--"  But the ice cream didn't interrupt this time.  It didn't have to.  And it waited for an eternity.  The silence was broken as it began to sing in a soft, sweet voice.

I'm your mother, I'm your daddy
I'm that white van in the alley
I'm your lover, fill your dreams
Chocolate almond, fudge ice cream,
You know me, I'm your friend
late at night, fill that void
I'm your ice cream, baby...

"Knock it off!  I'm out of here."  And with that the ice cream jumped into my cart.  It literally flew off the shelves and into my cart.  I didn't put it there.  I didn't want it.

"I love you."

"No you don't!  Get out of my cart!"

"Take me home with you."

"No, I can't!  I'm going to go buy some fruit."

"You've already made your choice.  I can see your heart."   I tried to make my escape only to run my cart into another one pushed by a large, wheezing man.  He was grabbing containers of Rocky Road and Neopolitan and piling them into his cart.  Next to him was a woman in her late 30's sobbing and muttering to herself, "I love you, too...I love you, too."  The isle was quickly filling up with people.  The siren song had gone out and carts full of diet products and candy, pushed by people with self-hatred stamped across their faces were filling the isle.  I had to make my escape! 

I threw the ice cream back onto the shelves and made a break for it.  But the container bounced like rubber and landed right back into my cart. 

"If you do that again, I'll tell the clerk you licked the container and you'll have to buy me.  Or they'll call the cops." 

"You evil bitch!"

The ice cream laughed.  It had won. 

"Damn your black heart, ice cream!  Damn you back to Hell!"  And the laughter got even louder.  It laughed all the way home and right now, it sits in my freezer, waiting.  Ice cream is patient.  Ice cream always wins.  I'm not sure how much longer the sale will be around but I might have to go back to the store again tomorrow because I forgot to buy bananas.  Yeah, I need to buy some fruit.  Fruit is a good snack, right?   


  1. This...

    This was hilarious.

    And for the record, ice cream is an insidious as it is evil.

  2. Short, torrid but utterly delicious affairs!