Sunday, November 23, 2014

Nothing's Funny. Well, Wait a Minute...

After yet another weekend of my favorite team shitting the bed, I feel obligated to pay some attention to my blog, but it has been hard because nothing has been very funny.

My love life is beyond DOA.  Dead bodies, I can handle.  Oh Baby, can I handle dead bodies.  You have no idea what...

Sorry, I digress.

Well, no...I won't digress, dammit!  I have an idea!

People donate their bodies to science all the time.  You can even fill out cards so that when you do kick the bucket and leave this shitty existence, various parts are cut off, and stuffed into somebody else.  After all, parts is parts, right? Sure, it saves lives and whatnot, but what about lonely people who want some company?

Instead of simply burning a body and adding more carbon to the air, people should have the right to allow their bodies to be sold or donated to necrophiliacs. 

Funerals are expensive and let's face it, most people just get cremated anyways.  It is such a waste to throw out a perfectly good body when somebody can get so much enjoyment out of it. 

Now I'm sure a lot of families would be upset about this.  Nobody wants to think of their dear sister or brother getting some special lovin' after death.  But what about all of those unclaimed bodies?  Jane Doe and John Doe? 

Furthermore, what if somebody actually signed a waiver or legal form of some kind allowing for their body to be auctioned off upon death for the purpose of making some very lonely person happy?  After all, it is their body--why not let them decide? 

These kind souls would be reaching out to all kinds of lonely people who need a companion but for various reasons can't find one with a heartbeat.  Loneliness is the killer of our society and what better way to help them than by allowing them the one thing they need? 

Imagine the Hollywood elite signing the waiver and asking for an auction where the proceeds would go to their favorite charity?  Anna Nicole Smith would have made more money in death than in the last few years of her life. 

The problem is, I can see a major opportunity for bad people to do bad things.  There's always the greedheads who want to fuck up a good thing.  Once word gets out that certain celebs have signed the waiver and legal forms, they become targets, where killers would pop them just so they could go on the market.  It would turn into a huge disaster as good-hearted celebrities who wanted to only make a lonely person happy would become the targets of assassins trying to poison them.  Well, I assume it would be poison, because who wants to reconstruct a face that pretty?  It's a messy job and it never goes back together again the right way.

I guess those poor, lonely necrophiliacs will have to keep finding their lovin' the old fashioned way.  And that is truly a sad thing.  

Thursday, November 6, 2014

The Right to Kill

Ever since that one women said she wanted to kill herself instead of slowly dying of brain cancer people have been once again talking about their right to die. Dr. Jack doesn't get mentioned so much these days.

I remember in middle school watching some video of a television show about the right to die. I think it was the Phil Donahue Show. What made the biggest impression on me was the details regarding this old man's health issues and how he was in constant pain. He tried to kill himself and had actually achieved that goal only to be resuscitated. When Phil got to that part he let out this horrid shriek of anguish and spat out, “goddammit!” This was the mid-80's and that stuff never got on the air.

So now we're at the point in our society where we are allowing people to make this choice for themselves. This is awesome news but now we need to take it to the next step.

I think we should also have Right to Kill laws put on the books.

Here's the plan:

  1. Somebody wants to die. They might have cancer, they might have a hangnail, or maybe their soul mate broke up with them after finding out they always do the Macarena at weddings. Who cares? They want to die.

  2. They sign up with a company that kills people. This entails all the legal paperwork and mumbo-jumbo that normally gets signed. You know, so nobody gets sued. 

  3. They choose how they want to die. Most people are wimps and choose something easy, like sleeping pills or magic beans. Some will want to breathe in a gas and float off to heaven or wherever they think their soul is headed.

But some people will get a Special Discount if they choose to be surprised.

Yup! Instead of paying a huge amount of money most of these miserable dying freaks don't even have (let's face it, if they were rich, they wouldn't want to die! Am I right?) my company would offer an extremely cheap rate for a Special Surprise Ending.

What would that be? Well, let me tell ya!

This is the beauty of my idea.

  1. Somebody wants to kill someone. It doesn't really matter who or why, they just want to do it. Maybe they grew up in a bad home, maybe they're angry at the world, or maybe they're just bored and are looking for a good time.

  2. But right now, killing people is illegal in most states. 

  3. It's really hard to get away with murder. You can do it, but who wants to go through all of that hassle and spend the rest of your life trying to play it cool around cops? 

  4. So instead, you go to the company and for a modest fee, they give you the profile of the person you are to kill. You are supplied with all the information you need and photographs, plus a time-frame. I mean, you don't want to wack somebody before they tell their high school sweetheart they cheated on them repeatedly with their best friend. Timing is important when killing somebody.

Part of the Special Surprise Ending Package would be Dealer's Choice. Or in this case, the killer could choose which way they filled the contract. Granted, it would have to be quick, because nobody wants a slow death and the whole point of wanting to die is to get rid of pain and not prolong it.

Gunshot to the head, poison, explosives, electrocution, strangling, stabbing. You name it, you could do it. In some cases, those handy with a chainsaw could go to town, and have the time of their lives. Just imagine the grin on your face as you begin to chase somebody down a hallway with a massive Stihl chainsaw buzzing in your hands!

And as a special bonus for our necrophiliac clients—you can keep the body for up to 24 hours!

I'm pretty sure this is the most lucrative business idea I've come up with so far. I might need some investors and a couple of good lawyers, maybe some blackmail info on a few high-ranking politicians, and celebrity endorsements. So send me your money today!