Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Uncle Ted's Guide to Disposing of a Body: Part I

March is Cannibalism Awareness Month.  In celebration of this, and in light of recent events, I decided now would be a good time to begin posting this.

So let's get on with it, shall we?  I have other shit to write and this topic has gotten a lot of attention from me but sadly, not all of you have had the pleasure of my mentoring.

So let's say you suddenly find yourself with a dead body.  The circumstances are meaningless and I really don't care.  You have a body and you can't report this to the authorities.  Given the current state of affairs, I don't blame you for coming to me, because we cannot trust the government to see logic and reason anymore.  These days, they will most likely crawl so deeply into your personal life, you'll wish they had kissed you first.

No, you have a body and it's on you to get rid of it.  But how?

Time is important here.  Blood gets into the most hidden of places.  The cracks of floors, carpeting, clothing, under book cases, etc.  Trust me, if the body is bleeding, you've got blood someplace.  This is why it's always best to snap a neck if you get the chance.  This eliminates the possibility of getting blood all over the place.

But you didn't get that chance, did you?  You had to act quickly and now you've got a bleeding body.


Where this is happening is key.  If you're in your home, this has good potential and bad potential. But, the dead body is leaving DNA all over the place and this is the first place the cops are going to look. You need to do something fast.

First, get the body someplace where bleeding doesn't matter.  That means containment.  A bathtub or shower stall is great.  You can clean that up with bleach in a short time.  But dragging a body through your house is a bad idea.

This is where garbage bags come in handy.  Commercial garbage bags are best because you can stuff an entire body into one.  Most will hold well over 100 lbs and they're water-tight, so blood and other fluids will stop leaking all over the place.  If you need to, use plastic sheeting for windows.  Even a shower curtain.  You have to contain this body at all costs!

Blood = Failure.

Any blood, fluid, hair, skin, or nails that come off that body increase your chances of getting caught.  Prison sucks.  Nobody wants to go there.

Once you have the body contained, keep in mind that containment is only temporary.  That body will continue to seep and ooze until it is dust.  You can't stop that.  All you can do is channel that flow in a controlled setting.  This is why a bathtub or shower stall is the best if suddenly having to get rid of a body.

If the body is too heavy for you to lift, roll it onto a blanket and drag it.  Plastic slides on carpet, a blanket slides on hard surfaces.  If it's too difficult, use flour or talcum powder on the hard surfaces. Don't use water.  Keep it dry as possible.

Blood is heavy.  One pint of blood is a pound.  The human body has about ten pints, give or take, depending on size.  But there are many reasons you need to get the blood out.  Blood makes decomposition happen faster and you don't want that.  It smells to high heaven and alerts neighbors you have a dead body someplace.

Once the body is in some sort of containment, and before you begin draining blood, you will have a brief period of time to collect yourself.  Get your head straight and look around you.  What have you missed?  This is the time when you look over your cleaning supplies.  Bleach is now your best friend in the whole, wide world.  Get some!

Hint:  Change clothes before you go out for supplies.  There is a good chance you have blood on them someplace and you've missed it.  People will notice you have blood on you.  Change clothes, and change them back when you come home.  The clothes you wore when you did the killing will be the clothes you wear when you do the cutting.  Those clothes will also be burned when you're all done.  Sorry about the nice pair of pants you like so much.  Do you want to keep them or go to prison?  Your choice.

Pay for your bleach in cash.  Never use a debit card or check.  Buy it in two-bottle purchases in several places and make sure to buy the unscented kind if possible.  Also, buy extra garbage bags, duct tape, paper towels, lighter fluid, matches, baking soda, and gloves for dishwashing.  Use cash!

Spreading your purchases keeps red flags down to a minimum and using cash makes them harder to track.  You don't want the cops looking at your purchases with your debit card and seeing our little supply list, do you?  Be smart!

Once you have cleaning supplies, you can begin draining the body of blood.  Careful with arterial spray.  A dead body will still spray blood all over the damned place so use caution when you slice open the main arteries around the neck.  This is also a good time to cut the clothes off.  You'll be burning these later so put them in a garbage bag, too.

If they have a cell phone on them, find it, and take out the battery, then destroy it.  You should be wearing glove when you do this.  Make sure you wipe any fingerprints off this phone before you destroy it.  Once that is done, put it in a bag for later.

The best way to get rid of a smashed cell phone is to drive out in the country with the window down and every half-mile, throw a piece of it out.

Once the body is totally naked, you can begin squeezing the blood out.  It will also seep other fluids, like piss and shit, so be careful of that, too.  Elevate the legs and bend them to the belly like a pump. You'll know you're done when the blood stops flowing.

A hacksaw is great for cutting up a body, but it's a lot of work.  You can use a power saw, but you have to be careful of getting DNA on that, too.  Everybody talks about a wood chipper, but it is impossible to run a body through that and get all the DNA cleaned out.  Hollywood is full of shit so you'll have to disregard most of what they show.  Don't use a wood chipper.

Yes, sawing by hand is tiring, but rewarding.  Be careful not to saw through and nick your tub or shower stall.  A quality CSI team will notice this and could possibly extract DNA from the groove. Avoid this by being careful.

If you have a chest freezer, consider freezing the body before cutting it up.  A frozen body cuts much better.  If it's winter and well below freezing outside, you can risk leaving the body in the garage for a day, but that's a risk you'll have to calculate.  Will somebody be coming around soon for a look?  If so, don't do it.  A chest freezer will need a good 36 hours to completely freeze an average body.

Make sure you run a healthy amount of bleach down your drains along with the blood.  Use hot water with it.  Wear your gloves and make sure you've bleached everything in your bathroom.  Then, use the bleach to clean your house.

If you have blood on your carpet, cut that part out.  If anybody asks, the dog had diarrhea or you puked after drinking a bunch of red wine.  Whatever.  Getting rid of carpet is suspicious, but not illegal.  Suspicion is better than proof.  There are recipes online to make your own luminol.  And you can make any light into a blacklight with a purple marker.

The next installment will be about what to do with those body parts.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Bacon to the Rescue!

This weekend I felt like shit.

Nothing physically wrong, just the usual head problems, like normal.  It was Valentine's Day and that never goes well for anybody.

Everybody knows I hate Valentine's Day.  It's the sulfuric acid of holidays.  It stings, it hurts, it makes one cough and hack, the fumes hurt my lungs, and I can't drink it.

Valentine's Day is the day nobody is happy with anything.  The pretty girls don't get gifts from the right guy and instead get cheap gifts from beta males too terrified to ask them out.  It's the day men can't do anything right.  It's the day women are reduced to game animals.  It just doesn't work as a day of romance.

So, I was feeling shitty for a whole host of reasons.  I haven't been writing in months.  I haven't even tried to write.  Why bother?  It's all crap, right?

My employer announced they were shutting down our building by the end of February.  In truth, they have to be out of the building by then, so it's a mad rush to get everybody fired or set up to work from home.  Most of my friends have lost their jobs.

Worse, in just a few days, I'll start working from home.

We haven't even begun training for this.

We haven't gotten our computers, been told many of the details we need to know, nor have we sorted out the simple flow of information we'll need to do our jobs.  Instead of being able to ask the person across from you a question, we'll have to have a chat room going 24/7 because we rely so much upon a hive-mind approach.

No one person knows everything so we're constantly having to ask each other questions.  At least five or six times a day important questions come up and if I'm working from home, I'll need to be able to talk to somebody about it.  We haven't sorted that out yet, though.

We're the canary in the mine for our company.  Our whole industry is going to a work-from-home model and our company is testing software, management hierarchies, client relations and feedback, plus HR modes on us.  We're lab monkeys covered in mascara and lipstick in cages.

My life of poverty has been stressful enough.  Because of my financial parasites, it doesn't matter how much money I make, I will always be reduced to living hand-to-mouth.  Always.  It doesn't matter where I work or what job I have, I will always bring home about the same amount of money.

But because there aren't many jobs out there that will give full-time hours, or even hire somebody like me, I'm stuck.  I'm incredibly trapped working for a company that is little more than a human gristmill while financial parasites suck the life out of me.  And the only way a host gets rid of the stronger parasites is death.

So, to review, this weekend I was lonely, stressed, depressed, angry and anxious.  I was a bit of a wreck.

But something called to me from my fridge.  It was a siren's song.  It was the seductive voice of bacon telling me things are going to be okay.  Just eat some bacon, it said to me.  Just eat some bacon and the day will get better.

So I did.  And instantly my life got better.

Just the smell of that fatty, salty, greasy love lifted my spirits and made me feel okay about existing. The sound, the sizzle and crackle, the beautiful promise of pig candy.  Hell, I even fried some pancakes in the grease, because if you're going to binge you fucking do it right.  We don't fuck around here.  I've never wanted one of anything in my entire life and indulging on bacon and dough fried in bacon grease is simply the best way to express that.  Or at least the best way available.

The other day somebody gave me shit for eating bacon.  "Bacon is not healthy.  It clogs your arteries and is terrible for your heart."

"Bitch," I said.  "I don't have a reason to wake up tomorrow.  Why in the fuck would I want to live another twenty years?"

One of my favorite bands, Bloodhound Gang, had a motto:  No reason to live, but we like it that way.

The only thing keeping me attached to this planet are a handful of friends and morbid curiosity. What train wreck will I get to see today?   I'm stuck in mud, chained to boulders, while the rest of the planet moves forward with their lives.  I'm still in the same shitty rut I've always been in and I can't seem to break free of it.

But bacon fixes that.  Bacon sings to me and asks me how I could possibly live in a reality that didn't include it.

If I die of a stroke or a heart attack, I want the coroner to put "Death by Bacon" on my Death Certificate just to give credit where credit is due.  I was euthanized by bacon so at least my death was merciful.

I'm too broke for a headstone.  But if I could have one, I would want it to say, "Oh, Death!  Where is Thy Sting?"  And then I'd have an image of bacon carved into it.

May the Bacon be with you.