Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Did I Just Fart?

Have you ever sat in a cold car with heated seats and wondered if you had just shit your pants? 

I'm asking because it happened to me today. 

My car was having "issues" and I needed to replace the flasher relay under the dashboard.  No problem, really.  But I wasn't going to drive it to work in that condition because I really do try to avoid accidents and cops. 

A coworker named Thomas agreed to give me a ride home.  He went outside, started his little car, and I got in the passenger's seat.  The leather seats were cold but I felt a growing warmth spread from under my ass. 

So let's review.  It's a very small car packed with five people and I'm terrified I've just crapped my pants in a fit of incontinence.  I wasn't worried about my beige pants so much as the people I was with having to be in a car with somebody that just fouled their drawers like a little kid. 

This is where my mind began to race.  How does one tell a person they just shit themselves while sitting in their car?  It's a rude thing to say to somebody.  First, Thomas was kind enough to give me a ride.  He didn't have to.  He could have just said, "I can't, I'm full."  But he didn't.  Instead he had the other folks in back squeeze together and give me the front seat.  And nothing is worse than a fat guy dropping a runny pile of heiny gel in your car in the first mile of a 20-mile trek. 

But I wasn't feeling a squishy lump or any sort of object, so I figured I must have broken a fierce wind, and since it was quiet nobody would know unless it smelled.  But it was so warm under my butt I figured it would have been a deadly cloud of mustard gas or a juicy lucy.  In my mind, I went over the best way to break the news of this chemical attack hadouken to Thomas and my fellow passengers. 

"Hey guys, I had one break out of me without warning and you'll want to roll down the windows.  I think this one's got some meat on it." 


"I don't know what I ate but we're all gonna find out in a second." 


"I know it's winter time but you're gonna want to roll down the windows instead of smelling what just came out of my ass." 


"Sorry guys, whatever crawled up my ass and died is off-gassing and I'm pretty sure I've solved the winter heating bills." 


"Please forgive my ass for its trespasses as it forgives those who have sinned against it." 



Either way, I had to come up with something quick, because the heat was growing hotter and spreading all around my backside. 

But then a thought occurred to me. 

"Thomas," I asked.  "Are your seats heated?" 

"Yeah," he said.  "Feels good, doesn't it?" 

"Oh thank God!  I thought I'd shit myself."

Please remember, folks.  If you have heated seats, you have an obligation to tell your passengers about this, because I know I'm not the only one who wonders about these things.  

Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Best Video Game Ever!

Have you ever wanted to torture somebody?

Who hasn't, right? 

That guy at the bar who kept rubbing on the women...

That person at work who left greasies all over the toilet seat and didn't clean up after himself.

The driver who pulled out in front of you on the highway.

The woman who stole your man.

The man who stole your woman.

The list goes on and on and on.  At some point in your life, you have wanted to torture somebody--to hurt them.  If for no other reason than to really drive home the point they could make better choices in life.

I wish a game developer would create a game where we could torture somebody.

The premise of the game would be simple--we are interrogators for hire and we get contracted out to extract information from various people.  Male and female.

The first levels are for us to learn our trade.  We get our people, bind them, and go to work for some basic info.  The more we hurt them, the more information we get.  If the person dies before we get our information, we lose and have to restart at the beginning.  Plus, sometimes they'll give us anything just to make the pain stop.

Torturing people is an art form.

One of the biggest problems with games is how we are so limited in what we can do.  In my game, we would have the entire body to work with and a vast array of tools to use.  The higher the levels, the more parts of the body we would have available.  At first, we might only get the hands and feet, maybe an eyeball.  But in higher levels, we would get every square inch of their skin, and we could do anything we wanted.

A few years ago, a movie came out called Unthinkable.  I thought it was the most namby-pamby, candy-assed movie to come out in years.  Samuel L. Jackson just yells a lot.

But I did enjoy the premise--there are nuclear weapons out there and this guy knows where to find them.  so we have to torture him until he talks.

And let me assure you folks, I'd make him sing.  You got nukes?  I have ways of making you talk!

So my game would include all the special extras that you can use in torture.  The informant's bio, complete with family members and special acquaintances.  In higher levels of the game, we could bring them in on the project, too.  No rules, no limits.

This is the most frustrating thing about games--you just can't go off the rails and do whatever.  You can't grab an informant's brother and waterboard him while the informant watches.  Why would you do that?  Because hurting the ones somebody else loves makes them realize how serious you are about getting your information.

In my game, you could use blood transfusions to keep the person from dying on you.

But nobody wants to make this game.  Nobody has the courage or is crazy enough.  But here's the real reason I suspect--they know it would be popular and they don't want so many people to realize how horrible we humans truly are to each other. 

Plus it might give some people ideas.

But if there are any game developers out there, let me know if you are interested, because I really feel this game would take off.