Monday, May 30, 2016

Don't Be Captain Save-A-Ho!

I should be editing my novella right now.  It badly needs to be edited and sent out.  In fact, I have a ton of short stories and other projects singing out to me.

But instead of doing all of that, I thought it would be a good time to tell you folks about Captain Save-A-Ho.

I've met several in my life.

Captain Save-A-Ho is a man who thinks kindness and gifts will somehow make a woman love him.  It's as if he thinks the woman is only doing what she can to survive and all those bad choices were because she didn't know any better.

Captain Save-A-Ho is usually older than the ho and actually works a job that comes with a paycheck--something the ho has no idea about.  The ho is used to earning her money and drugs on her back or knees.  Society tells us that it's a horrible existence but that's part of the whole Madonna/whore complex men have towards women.  Trust me, the only things these hoes regret are STDs and jail time.  And maybe the occasional beating they get when caught cheating.

As I've said, I've met a few Captain Save-A-Hoes in my day.  It's sad to see because they always get chewed up in the end.  The movie Pretty Woman lied to us all about the realities of life.  The hooker had a heart of gold instead of being a diseased drug addict looking to rip every man off she can find.  She isn't covered in bruises from her pimp or rough clientele and she didn't have the cough that comes from being dope sick and in need of a fix.  If I had met a ho that looked like her, I'd keep driving for fear she was a cop.  No hooker looks that good.  And if they do, I promise you it's a man.

But no, Pretty Woman lied to us about the power of love.  Love is meaningless.  Love doesn't change shit.  Love doesn't thaw the heart of a ho and it doesn't save anybody.  The ho already realizes that love is nothing more than a commodity to be bought and sold.  It's the hook that gets the money out of you.  She's playing a role and you're just another spectator in the audience.

In the original script for Pretty Woman, she was supposed to die of a drug overdose in the end.  Even the writer couldn't keep up that lie for the whole thing.  Reality is unavoidable and nobody saves a ho.  Nobody.

I once met a ho who convinced her man she was saved.  They got married despite the massive age difference and just before he died, she revealed to him all she'd been up to.  The cheating, the drugs, the parties.  She hadn't cleaned up, just got more careful.  She'd slept with his friends, his step-son from a different marriage, and his Financial Adviser.  She was a ho and it wasn't because she needed coke, or because she needed money.  She liked what she was doing and she enjoyed it.

This is what Captain Save-A-Ho never understands about women.  Some women just like having sex with random strangers and they like what they get in return for it.  They like the drugs.  They like being stoned out of their mind.  They enjoy the parties and the sex.  Captain Save-A-Ho never understands this and gets hurt over and over again because of this.

I understand why Captain Save-A-Ho does this.  Sure, he's a lonely guy but he's also a nice guy.  He just wants love.

With 6.5 billion miserable assholes on this planet, you would think this shit would be easier, but it's not.

No, Captain Save-A-Ho finds something in the ho he thinks is redeemable.  He wants to be the man who helps her and becomes her hero.  Every man wants to be the hero to some woman.  It's written into our DNA somewhere.

But the hero never gets the girl.  Never.  It might happen in stories and movies, but never in real life.  Instead, she goes to find somebody who excites her and is fun to be around.  Heroes are way too fucking serious.

A fallen woman is an easy target for Captain Save-A-Ho.  He'll find one who just got knocked down by her pimp or the judge someplace, and he'll throw on a cape. It doesn't matter she's been with dozens or hundreds of men.  It doesn't matter if she's done more drugs than a cancer patient.  It doesn't matter she's had STD's on several occasions and to her, Chlamydia is something you just get once in a while.  

Captain Save-A-Ho forgives all and just wants the ho to turn away from her past life and towards a happier one with him.  He'll pay for past.  Court costs, fines and fees?  Tuition?  Clothes?  Car repair costs?  Captain Save-A-Ho will take care of it.  He just wants the ho to be with him.

I wish I had magic words to convince all the various Captain Save-A-Hoes who have come to me upset about their fate.  I have nothing for them.  Being a Captain Save-A-Ho is a sickness.  It's being a man so lonely that he is willing to lose money he normally can ill-afford to lose on a woman who doesn't even come close to offering him what he needs in return.  And I'm not talking about sex.  

The Ho never loves her hero because she doesn't see him as one.  She sees him as a mark.  A chump she can get things from.  And our Captain's self-esteem is so poor he can't stand up for himself.  Instead, he calls what he feels "love" and tries to keep her with him.  

Captain Save-A-Ho never wins.  Ever.  And if you find a Captain Save-A-Ho, I promise you he'll never understand any of this.  He'll be laughed at, ripped off, humiliated, and abandoned but he'll never understand any of what happened.  To him, it'll be rejection.  It's not rejection, though.  He was played and he needs help or the cycle will repeat until he's dead or in jail from doing something stupid.  

Somebody needs to save Captain Save-A-Ho.  


  1. Well ... I have personally saved 63 Ho's ... no wait ... those were Ho-Ho's

  2. What about a man in a boat looking for a couple oars? ;)

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