Sunday, May 8, 2016

Happy Mutha's Day

I always was a pain in my mother's backside.

I mean, can you imagine having to deal with somebody like me?  Imagine when I was a small child, making really dark jokes in public places, and having to admit you're somehow related to me.  I put my poor mother through the ringer.

That's a picture of my mom holding me.  I look innocent enough, right?  The poor woman is even happy in that picture, or at least putting on a really good show of it, but judging by the look on my face I'm pretty sure I'm filling my pants in that picture.

What's the most common present a child gives to their mother?  A full diaper!

I was ten years old when the film Mommy Dearest came out.  It was a huge hit and the television was full of trailers for it.  Being the devilish son that I am, I had fun with this.


Mom used to take me to the grocery store with her on Saturdays.  It was part of our routine.  I would do the heavy lifting and fetch things for her.  She would tell me to go grab something, like a gallon of milk, and I would looked at her and say, "Yes, Mommy Dearest."  I would say it loud enough for other women in the crowded store to hear and they would give her the worst looks.

And if she ever said something about it, I would say, "No, not the wire hangers again!"

Mind you, this was in between visits to the meat section where I made horse noises.  Or in the book section where I asked for the book "How to Wok Your Dog."

Trips to the grocery store on Saturdays for me were more like Showtime!  I was on the stage and I got to try out my new material.

I could go on and on, but the truth is, I was a real pain in the ass and I had a great time doing it.  Sure, Mom was going to drown me once, but The Devil whispered in her ear and reminded her how He has big plans for me someday.  

So, to all of you Muthas with kids who are a pain in the ass like I was, Happy Muthas Day.  

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