Don't Be Captain Save-A-Ho!

I should be editing my novella right now.  It badly needs to be edited and sent out.  In fact, I have a ton of short stories and other projects singing out to me.

But instead of doing all of that, I thought it would be a good time to tell you folks about Captain Save-A-Ho.

I've met several in my life.

Captain Save-A-Ho is a man who thinks kindness and gifts will somehow make a woman love him.  It's as if he thinks the woman is only doing what she can to survive and all those bad choices were because she didn't know any better.

Captain Save-A-Ho is usually older than the ho and actually works a job that comes with a paycheck--something the ho has no idea about.  The ho is used to earning her money and drugs on her back or knees.  Society tells us that it's a horrible existence but that's part of the whole Madonna/whore complex men have towards women.  Trust me, the only things these hoes regret are STDs and jail time.  And maybe the occasional beating they get when caught cheating.

As I've said, I've met a few Captain Save-A-Hoes in my day.  It's sad to see because they always get chewed up in the end.  The movie Pretty Woman lied to us all about the realities of life.  The hooker had a heart of gold instead of being a diseased drug addict looking to rip every man off she can find.  She isn't covered in bruises from her pimp or rough clientele and she didn't have the cough that comes from being dope sick and in need of a fix.  If I had met a ho that looked like her, I'd keep driving for fear she was a cop.  No hooker looks that good.  And if they do, I promise you it's a man.

But no, Pretty Woman lied to us about the power of love.  Love is meaningless.  Love doesn't change shit.  Love doesn't thaw the heart of a ho and it doesn't save anybody.  The ho already realizes that love is nothing more than a commodity to be bought and sold.  It's the hook that gets the money out of you.  She's playing a role and you're just another spectator in the audience.

In the original script for Pretty Woman, she was supposed to die of a drug overdose in the end.  Even the writer couldn't keep up that lie for the whole thing.  Reality is unavoidable and nobody saves a ho.  Nobody.

I once met a ho who convinced her man she was saved.  They got married despite the massive age difference and just before he died, she revealed to him all she'd been up to.  The cheating, the drugs, the parties.  She hadn't cleaned up, just got more careful.  She'd slept with his friends, his step-son from a different marriage, and his Financial Adviser.  She was a ho and it wasn't because she needed coke, or because she needed money.  She liked what she was doing and she enjoyed it.

This is what Captain Save-A-Ho never understands about women.  Some women just like having sex with random strangers and they like what they get in return for it.  They like the drugs.  They like being stoned out of their mind.  They enjoy the parties and the sex.  Captain Save-A-Ho never understands this and gets hurt over and over again because of this.

I understand why Captain Save-A-Ho does this.  Sure, he's a lonely guy but he's also a nice guy.  He just wants love.

With 6.5 billion miserable assholes on this planet, you would think this shit would be easier, but it's not.

No, Captain Save-A-Ho finds something in the ho he thinks is redeemable.  He wants to be the man who helps her and becomes her hero.  Every man wants to be the hero to some woman.  It's written into our DNA somewhere.

But the hero never gets the girl.  Never.  It might happen in stories and movies, but never in real life.  Instead, she goes to find somebody who excites her and is fun to be around.  Heroes are way too fucking serious.

A fallen woman is an easy target for Captain Save-A-Ho.  He'll find one who just got knocked down by her pimp or the judge someplace, and he'll throw on a cape. It doesn't matter she's been with dozens or hundreds of men.  It doesn't matter if she's done more drugs than a cancer patient.  It doesn't matter she's had STD's on several occasions and to her, Chlamydia is something you just get once in a while.  

Captain Save-A-Ho forgives all and just wants the ho to turn away from her past life and towards a happier one with him.  He'll pay for past.  Court costs, fines and fees?  Tuition?  Clothes?  Car repair costs?  Captain Save-A-Ho will take care of it.  He just wants the ho to be with him.

I wish I had magic words to convince all the various Captain Save-A-Hoes who have come to me upset about their fate.  I have nothing for them.  Being a Captain Save-A-Ho is a sickness.  It's being a man so lonely that he is willing to lose money he normally can ill-afford to lose on a woman who doesn't even come close to offering him what he needs in return.  And I'm not talking about sex.  

The Ho never loves her hero because she doesn't see him as one.  She sees him as a mark.  A chump she can get things from.  And our Captain's self-esteem is so poor he can't stand up for himself.  Instead, he calls what he feels "love" and tries to keep her with him.  

Captain Save-A-Ho never wins.  Ever.  And if you find a Captain Save-A-Ho, I promise you he'll never understand any of this.  He'll be laughed at, ripped off, humiliated, and abandoned but he'll never understand any of what happened.  To him, it'll be rejection.  It's not rejection, though.  He was played and he needs help or the cycle will repeat until he's dead or in jail from doing something stupid.  

Somebody needs to save Captain Save-A-Ho.  

Buy This Book!

The anthology I'm in has just been released in both paper and Kindle formats.  This is the time to grab it!

This book has some seriously heavy-hitters in the horror world.  Ramsey Campbell, Bob Freville, and many others.

Click here to order off Amazon now!  

My Horror Movie Picks

Somebody asked me to do a blog post about my Top Ten Favorite horror movies in the last 10 years and what they meant to me.  I thought that was an interesting idea because what scares us says a lot about us.  More to the point, who we cheer for says a lot about us as well.

These are in no particular order but if you get a chance, you should check them out.


1)  Outpost.

I thought this movie was amazingly well done.  I personally don't like a lot of the Nazi horror movies that have come out in recent years.  They're derivative and based on inaccurate history.  What makes this movie interesting is how these mercenaries are supposed to go to this old Nazi outpost and retrieve something for a wealthy client.

The Nazi soldiers who are there have another idea.

It's not like these soldiers are out trying to conquer the world or spread the gospel of National Socialism anywhere.  They're just occupying the outpost and these idiot mercenaries screw that up.

I'll admit that I cheered for the Nazis in this one.  They showed a delightful sense of humor and gave those mercenaries what they had coming.  The lesson here is simple:  you find some Nazi soldiers, leave them the fuck alone.

2)  The Purge

This has become a franchise and it asks the question we're always being asked--do you help people who cannot help themselves or do you purge them out of your society?  What about the people you want to kill who pissed you off?  Or the people you want to rape and mutilate?  If all is legal and all is allowed, what would you do?  Would you hide in a huddled group and defend yourself or would you hunt down your prey?

I'll admit that I'm on the fence with this one.  I'd hunt.  Some motherfuckers need killin' and there's no way around it.  But I'd also protect the people I care about.

I can tell you one thing, if we did have a purge, I'd be in much better shape.

3)  Silent Hill

I know this was based on a video game, but I enjoyed it just for the visuals alone.  It was breathtaking at how wonderfully dark the visuals of this movie unfolded.  When I'm driving in fog, I keep my eye out for a man with a pyramid for a head all the time now.

4)  Paranormal Activity

I know this is a franchise, but I loved it.  It was based so much on expectations and it masterfully drew your attention to what might happen.  Even when you knew what was going it happen, you were still waiting with your breath held, knowing it was going to be bad.

That, in a nutshell, is horror.  You know something bad is going to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it.  You just have to survive it and if you're lucky, keep your loved ones alive in the process.

5)  30 Days of Night

I'm a Steven Niles fanboy.  I love just about everything of his I've found.  This is no different.

What a lot of folks don't know is that a few mini prequels were made and were available on Comcast's On-Demand section exclusively.  They were just as intense.

What is really happening in the world around us?  What is just beyond the shadows?

Have you ever wondered, while out for a walk at night, just what kind of monster you've walked past and didn't even realize it?

It's no secret to anybody that I wish all of these monsters were real.  I've always wished for that.  This movie made me imagine it was a reality.  Even the sequel kicked ass.

6)  Bitten

Jason Mewes.  Yup.  Jay from all of Kevin Smith's movies.  But this is a serious role and he does it very well.

Yes, this is a vampire movie.  But this is different.  He's in love with the vampire and for a while, you really feel sorry for him.  Plus, this movie showed a gritty Chicago through the lense of an EMT riding a meat wagon.

Between Mewes's acting and a pretty decent script, this movie isn't so much about horror as a character in a bad situation that cycles out of control.  This didn't get a lot of attention and it should.

7)  The Collector

I'll just cut to the chase and admit I cheered for the bad guy in this one.  He was so evil, so nasty, and was having such a good time I couldn't help it.  The scene where the daughter comes home with her boyfriend and he's watching them in the kitchen is incredible.  The way his eyes light up and his tongue darts in a out is just delicious.


8)  Let Me In

Our childhoods are often full of the need to escape.  Often, they're lonely and just not that good.  This movie plays with that and gives somebody a genuine monster to connect with.  What's even more delicious about this is how well this monster manipulates the child into joining her.

She might look like a kid, but she ain't no kid.

Evil is cunning and often much smarter than we are.  To me, this movie is about how we make choices for our comfort regardless of the consequences, or how dark the path.

9)  The Rite

I loved this movie.  Sir Anthony Hopkins is amazing in this.  He could read the alphabet and scare the crap out of you.

I love exorcism movies and I love how nobody can fuck with you like The Devil.

10)  Ava's Possessions

This movie is hip without being hipster.  And it does something I dearly love doing myself--focusing on a character after something shitty happens.  In this case, it's about a woman after she was possessed by a demon, and how she pieces of her life back together.

It's funny, it's creepy, it's weird.  And it raises some fun questions.

Definitely check this one out!

Happy Mutha's Day

I always was a pain in my mother's backside.

I mean, can you imagine having to deal with somebody like me?  Imagine when I was a small child, making really dark jokes in public places, and having to admit you're somehow related to me.  I put my poor mother through the ringer.

That's a picture of my mom holding me.  I look innocent enough, right?  The poor woman is even happy in that picture, or at least putting on a really good show of it, but judging by the look on my face I'm pretty sure I'm filling my pants in that picture.

What's the most common present a child gives to their mother?  A full diaper!

I was ten years old when the film Mommy Dearest came out.  It was a huge hit and the television was full of trailers for it.  Being the devilish son that I am, I had fun with this.

How?

Mom used to take me to the grocery store with her on Saturdays.  It was part of our routine.  I would do the heavy lifting and fetch things for her.  She would tell me to go grab something, like a gallon of milk, and I would looked at her and say, "Yes, Mommy Dearest."  I would say it loud enough for other women in the crowded store to hear and they would give her the worst looks.

And if she ever said something about it, I would say, "No, not the wire hangers again!"

Mind you, this was in between visits to the meat section where I made horse noises.  Or in the book section where I asked for the book "How to Wok Your Dog."

Trips to the grocery store on Saturdays for me were more like Showtime!  I was on the stage and I got to try out my new material.

I could go on and on, but the truth is, I was a real pain in the ass and I had a great time doing it.  Sure, Mom was going to drown me once, but The Devil whispered in her ear and reminded her how He has big plans for me someday.  

So, to all of you Muthas with kids who are a pain in the ass like I was, Happy Muthas Day.  

Letter to Myself From 25 Years Ago

Back in 1991, when I was on the Student Senate at Sauk Valley Community College, we created a time capsule.  We all wrote letters to ourselves and sealed them inside with the understanding we would read them to ourselves twenty-five years later.

I've lived in dread of that moment.  And today, that moment came.

First, the letter was incredibly personal with no regard for which idiot would find and read it.  There was some seriously insane lines but that wasn't what really stood out to me.  What jumped out was the certainty that I'd be dead.

The letter to myself was totally certain I'd be dead and there was just a slight chance I'd be alive.  Furthermore, there was no clue as to how bizarre that belief was, or how unnatural it is to know you're going to die young.  Not believe, but know.

The letter, for some stupid reason, went on to list all the various failings I'd had with women because obviously that would be important twenty-five years later.  Obviously.

I feel like this letter to wisdom is what a bottle of ketchup is to an emergency Go! bag.  Useless, pointless, and completely inept.  I was nineteen and only knew depression, loneliness, and anger.

But there was this weird, optimistic side I had completely forgotten.  I had dreams back then.  I had dreams and goals.  In a weird way, I looked forward to the future.  Granted, they were pie-in-the-sky hopes, but I had hope.  

I never knew how to achieve a goal in life until just recently.  It sounds weird, but it's true--I figured dreams were something that just happened to other people.  And when you think dreams are like that, and they don't come true for you, then obviously there is something wrong with you and you know you'll never be happy.

Goals have to be earned.  Dreams have to earned and more often than not, you'll never really achieve them.  I had no idea back then.  I just figured I'd dress up and show up and magically things would just happen.  After all, I'm Ted--I'm awesome.

Does your current life live up to what you expected?  What are you driving?  Are you still writing?  Why not?  Did you forget your goals?  Let's review, shall we?
1)  Become on of the top horror writers ever.  

2)  Become the best, most followed political writer of your generation.
3)  Become the voice of your generation.
4)  Because the first writer to go in space and write about the experience.
5)  Possibly teaching English in high school or college.

No, this isn't what I expected.  I'm driving a 21 year-old Buick that needs work.  In fact, it overheated the whole way down and back, so I had to keep the vent on hot and the fan on high, basically cooking me. And yes, I'm writing.  Again.  I stopped for about 15 years or so, but I'm back at it.  And I'm making progress.

And yes, I forgot my goals.  I totally lost the plot.  I got confused and stuck in the fog of war.  Over the years, I lost track of where I was heading and what I wanted to do.  I was lost in a labyrinth of monsters, quicksand, and demons.

In a lot of ways, I needed this letter.  I needed to see it and I need to go back to where I once was to get the old scent back.  That feeling of "Yeah, I can do this!"

I needed to get out of the trenches so I could see the vast landscape around me and all the opportunities that are available, while at the same time remind myself that I am, indeed, a writer who needs to write.

I'll end with a Ted Moment.

So, I'm standing up in front of a group of people.  I'm opening my letter and I make the comment, "I'm glad I'm the one opening this and not somebody else.  I wasn't sure how this would go.  Good thing I didn't confess to any murders, eh?"

Silence.  Crickets.

The whole crowd got awkwardly silent and I was thinking, "Fuck you, people!  That was funny!"

The Way of the Van isn't for everybody but it's my way and I'm moving forward.

Just Get in the Damned Van!

It's not easy being creepy.  Especially when you need some kids to help you break into your own apartment after you've locked yourself out.

Yes.  I did that.

I work from home now so time outside during the day is at a premium.  I went outside on my 10-minute break to take out the trash and somehow locked the door behind me.

This is the second time I've done this.  Previously, my neighbor climbed through the window and opened my door for me.  This time, I was screwed.  There was nobody outside or walking around.

But then I saw two kids who looked to be around middle-school aged.  I thought I was in luck.  Kids love helping old people out, right?

No.

They kept walking right past me like I wasn't even there.  Just kept on walking and pretended not to hear me.

That was highly rude, but I get it.  Some big, creepy guy like me is exactly what kids are told to avoid these days.  They didn't know me and it doesn't matter I live in a small town with 800 people.  The days of helping somebody who asks for help are long gone and we've gone into the next phase of social decay--distrust.  Nobody trusts anybody.

But I'm still pissed so I plan on finding where these little turds live and standing outside of their house at night wearing a clown costume.  Let those little fuckers deal with that!  I might even hold a few balloons while I wordlessly stare from the street.

Speaking of work, there's something that's really bothering me.  Part of my job is once in a while I have to read a script to customers.  It's a tedious thing that takes a minute but we have to do it before we transfer them to an automated system.  The problem is customers will often ignore me and have a conversation with somebody while I go through my script.  I'm reading this damned thing for the stupid recording so if the call gets pulled for legal reasons, the company I'm contracted with can tell the customers to fuck off because they agreed to everything.

This pisses me off so now I want to ad-lib a few things and see if they notice.

"...and then we'll have a mangy dog with dysentery shit on your floor now please wait for the beep.  Thank you."

Most of the people I deal with are idiots.  Worse, some think they can get snotty with me because I'm supposed to just sit there and take it.  It would be nice if the bosses took the leash off and let us snap back on these assholes.  But no, our contractor doesn't want us to do that, because then it would all degrade into call after call being a shouting match.

So, I have to be nice.  Imagine a bear tied to a tree with toilet paper.  Yeah, I could strip flesh from bone with a few sentences.  Sadly, they have these shitty rules I have to follow.

On my last day of work, I am going to rip into people without mercy.  I will blast each stupid comment I hear with flame until somebody calls my boss and begs him to do something about it.  The dumber the rep, the worse their punishment shall be, until I reduce each and every one to a sobbing shell of a human being.

And then all will be right with the world once again.  Balance will be restored, flowers will bloom, children will smile, and the snozberries will once again taste like snozberries.  

I'd like to end this with me going off to watch the Cubs play but once again the shithead tech from MediaCom cut my wires.  Again.  This is twice now this asshole tech has cut my wires.  The first time was at my old place when he installed the Circus Freaks upstairs and this time when he was installing somebody in this apartment building.

I plan on calling MediaCom to bitch and have them send the guy out to fix it but this time, I'm doing to great him wearing a leather thong with studs and a hockey mask.  Then, I'm going to watch him work and comment about how upset I was I couldn't watch my cartoons in the morning.

If you're gonna be creepy, do it right.  

Uncle Ted's Guide to Disposing of a Body: Part II

If you're just joining us, I'm currently pandering to the dark underbelly of human nature by posting a guide to hide evidence of a crime.  Remember, kids--murder is highly illegal and you shouldn't do it.

Let's call this a guide for writers such as myself, only better talented and disciplined, who couldn't imagine what to do in such a situation but somehow wrote themselves into a corner.  Their beloved character had enough shit and killed somebody.  Oops.

But it's okay.  I know accidents happen.  And let's face it, some motherfuckers need killin'.  Characters, I mean.  Some characters need killin'.  Because Harry Potter would never kill Delores Umbridge even though the bitch totally had it coming but I could see Hermione snapping one day and just going apeshit.  After all, she did get Umbridge gang-raped by a bunch of centaurs.  That's pretty fucking evil.

Sometimes, it's better to just kill a character off and be done with it.

But what about the body?

In the first part, I covered the basics of the first few hours.  Those are hectic moments and you can't be too careful.  It pays to go over each and every part again.  But now, you've got the body in your bath tub or shower stall.  It has been stripped down, the cell phone has been destroyed, the clothes are in a garbage bag.  You've got your cleaning supplies and you've lots of extra garbage bags.

Now you're ready to cut up the body.  Hopefully, it's freezing cold outside or you have a chest freezer.  A frozen body is so much easier to cut up than a fresh one.  Trust me on this.

If you're using an electric saw, the job will go faster, but you have to be careful about getting DNA caught inside the saw and to not let pieces get flung about.  While a hacksaw will take more effort and time, you can control a few more things.  And control is really what you need.  Besides, it's good exercise and it'll help you think more clearly as you get more oxygen in your blood.

The size of the pieces shouldn't be too large.  The obvious cuts, like hands, wrists, feet, etc are simple.  But when you get to the torso, think of it in terms of a whole chicken.  Nothing bigger than that, if you can.

Why?

The smaller the pieces, the more easily you can distribute them.  Don't be tempted to burn them individually in a bonfire in the backyard.  Human flesh has a distinct odor and anybody who has ever smelled it before will remember it forever.  If somebody driving down the road smells something that reminds them of their deployment in Kuwait during the first Gulf War, or something similar, they'll know what you've been doing.  You don't want that.

Small pieces mean you can individually wrap them in a couple of garbage bags and dump them in a wide circle.  Fill the car's gas tanks and go for a drive.  Dump one in the garbage can at the pump.  Dump another in the can at McDonald's.  Drive to the next town for a Big Mac and do that again.  You see the pattern?

Another option is to make concrete squares.  Use some rebar and chicken wire for the frame, fill 1/3 with concrete, place the piece inside, then top off.  Once dry, you can use it as a paver for your patio out back.  Or use it as a border for your garden.  Or if you want, throw them into various creeks, ponds, rivers, streams, and lakes.

It'll take time, but your time will be rewarded.

If you happen to know a pig farmer, then you're lucky.  But most people don't realize slurry ponds are better.  Those ponds are full of animal waste and bacteria that will eat those pieces up in weeks until there is nothing left.

I wouldn't burn their clothing because it's next to impossible to get all of it burned.  You don't want police to find pieces of Mr. Deadman's unique flannel shirt and specific metal buttons off his jeans in your burn pile out back.  Burning attracts attention.

My advice is to cut the clothing up into small pieces, put in a plastic bag, and dump in various garbage cans around town.  With buckles, buttons, and zippers you can always throw in a river or lake because they'll sink.

Ultimately, getting rid of a body is about using common sense.  I know during this time stress and anxiety will be working against a person, but make sure your Main Character *cough* takes time to think about what they're doing, and what will happen a few moves later.  Be rational.

Will somebody find this?  How?

The harder a person has to work to find evidence, the least likely it is that evidence will be found.  Your character won't be able to work against a system, will an army of forensics professionals and detectives searching for clues, but your character can leave so little evidence they don't have a reason to suspect him or her of murder.

Remember, human nature is to be lazy and unless you give them a reason to do their job, they won't.  So when you're writing this story, and you've written yourself into a corner, be calm and rational.  Think about what your actions might produce, then act accordingly.  This way, your character won't get caught, and that'll make everybody happy in the end.