Sunday, April 17, 2016

Just Get in the Damned Van!

It's not easy being creepy.  Especially when you need some kids to help you break into your own apartment after you've locked yourself out.

Yes.  I did that.

I work from home now so time outside during the day is at a premium.  I went outside on my 10-minute break to take out the trash and somehow locked the door behind me.

This is the second time I've done this.  Previously, my neighbor climbed through the window and opened my door for me.  This time, I was screwed.  There was nobody outside or walking around.

But then I saw two kids who looked to be around middle-school aged.  I thought I was in luck.  Kids love helping old people out, right?


They kept walking right past me like I wasn't even there.  Just kept on walking and pretended not to hear me.

That was highly rude, but I get it.  Some big, creepy guy like me is exactly what kids are told to avoid these days.  They didn't know me and it doesn't matter I live in a small town with 800 people.  The days of helping somebody who asks for help are long gone and we've gone into the next phase of social decay--distrust.  Nobody trusts anybody.

But I'm still pissed so I plan on finding where these little turds live and standing outside of their house at night wearing a clown costume.  Let those little fuckers deal with that!  I might even hold a few balloons while I wordlessly stare from the street.

Speaking of work, there's something that's really bothering me.  Part of my job is once in a while I have to read a script to customers.  It's a tedious thing that takes a minute but we have to do it before we transfer them to an automated system.  The problem is customers will often ignore me and have a conversation with somebody while I go through my script.  I'm reading this damned thing for the stupid recording so if the call gets pulled for legal reasons, the company I'm contracted with can tell the customers to fuck off because they agreed to everything.

This pisses me off so now I want to ad-lib a few things and see if they notice.

"...and then we'll have a mangy dog with dysentery shit on your floor now please wait for the beep.  Thank you."

Most of the people I deal with are idiots.  Worse, some think they can get snotty with me because I'm supposed to just sit there and take it.  It would be nice if the bosses took the leash off and let us snap back on these assholes.  But no, our contractor doesn't want us to do that, because then it would all degrade into call after call being a shouting match.

So, I have to be nice.  Imagine a bear tied to a tree with toilet paper.  Yeah, I could strip flesh from bone with a few sentences.  Sadly, they have these shitty rules I have to follow.

On my last day of work, I am going to rip into people without mercy.  I will blast each stupid comment I hear with flame until somebody calls my boss and begs him to do something about it.  The dumber the rep, the worse their punishment shall be, until I reduce each and every one to a sobbing shell of a human being.

And then all will be right with the world once again.  Balance will be restored, flowers will bloom, children will smile, and the snozberries will once again taste like snozberries.  

I'd like to end this with me going off to watch the Cubs play but once again the shithead tech from MediaCom cut my wires.  Again.  This is twice now this asshole tech has cut my wires.  The first time was at my old place when he installed the Circus Freaks upstairs and this time when he was installing somebody in this apartment building.

I plan on calling MediaCom to bitch and have them send the guy out to fix it but this time, I'm doing to great him wearing a leather thong with studs and a hockey mask.  Then, I'm going to watch him work and comment about how upset I was I couldn't watch my cartoons in the morning.

If you're gonna be creepy, do it right.  

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