Friday, November 3, 2017

Do You Adore Life?

In the past few days, I have been haunted by something I cannot find an answer to no matter how hard I try.

It started because of a song.  I love the fact that I can still find new music that makes me think.  I love how I'm constantly discovering new music.  I think once I walk away from new music altogether and dismiss it as being redundant and derivative, that will signal when it's time for me to finally die.

I first heard it in the end credits on the Hulu show Chance.  I dearly love that show.  It's in the second season right now and Ethan Suplee's character, D, is so very similar to how I used to be many years ago.  Damaged, angry, lethal, and ready to hurt somebody without remorse and enjoy doing it.

When I heard the song, it was just the final few seconds, and it was beautiful, so I went on Youtube because I'm OCD about shit like that.  I hear a song, I have to know all about it.  I have to.  It's not something I can walk away from, either.  I've tried.  Believe me, I've tried.

The song was by a London band called Savages titled "Adore" and it's one of those that grabs you.

It's not a statement of fact for the singer.  Listen to her and watch her as she sings.  She's not telling you how life is just something to live.


What she is saying is despite all the bullshit she's had to go through, she has taken the attitude of "Fuck you, I'm living my life and having fun."

She is saying that nothing anybody does will get in the way of that.

Then, she challenges us.  She challenges us to get up and live.  Live our lives and enjoy them.  Not just go through the motions but actually get out there and adore the life you have.

This is what haunts me.  Because I have not lived my life in a very long time.  I have existed.  I have gone through the motions so that I can be left alone.  I have self-sabotaged to the point where I have guaranteed I will die alone.  I have isolated until I've been forgotten.  I have done everything possible to drive my life nose-first into the ground.

And now I'm bitching that this life has been shit and I haven't really lived it.

So now that I'm in what I feel like is the fourth quarter, I'm trying to pull up out of this nose-dive and trying to change things.  I'm trying to actually live this life and instead I'm finding myself to be angry at the past and full of regrets--which is something you cannot do if you are living your life.

I'm not living.  I'm surviving.  I'm keeping my heart beating.  That's about it.

In the 1987 cult classic Dudes, with a very young Jon Cryer and Flea, there's a scene where they meet up with an Elvis impersonator driving a massive white Cadillac.  He asks them what kind of work they do and one guy says, "Survival."

The Elvis impersonator says, "Survival is the slowest form of suicide."

I've never forgotten that and it's always bugged me that really all I do is survive.  I'm sick of just surviving.  I want more.

I want it bad enough to make changes in my life.  Hard changes.  I've woken up sick for the past three months because of withdrawals while I taper off stuff.  I've begun to lose weight.  I've even gotten out of my apartment more.

I cannot live like this.

But do I adore life?  Am I in love with life?

No.  I cannot say that I am or ever was.   Looking back, it was a lot of boredom and just dealing with shit.  I was always stuck in the mud and had no clue how to get out of it.

But I'm done lamenting the past.  I'm done. I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time.

I want to adore life.  I want to have a life worth having.  And I want to change things so that one day, I can wake up and not feel loathing and dread that I'm on this planet for another dreary day.

I don't remember the last time I woke up and looked forward to something.

I've been accused of being an old soul by a number of people.  But does that mean the enjoyment has been taken out of life?  If I am an old soul, then what exactly do I need?  What am I missing?  What am I craving that would satiate this need?

I don't have a clue.

And that bothers me, too.  I have no idea what I want.  It's like the foundation of my self-definition was shattered and reduced to dust so now I have no idea who I am or what I want.  And without that I am not enjoying life.

I've said before I take the longview of things.  I've been here before and I remember bits and pieces of those past lives.  I can only wonder if that's tempering my view of this life to a point where I don't engage life as I could.

I'm jealous of people like Jeb Corliss because of the sensations he must feel.  I'm not interested in pushing things beyond a certain point.

The reality is, that no matter what you do in this life, it’s coming to an end. Once you accept there’s nothing that you can do about your own mortality, then you’re now free. You have no control, so stop pretending you do. And just get on with living your life. Stop living in fear. - Jeb Corliss

But that's not true, is it?  This isn't the only life.  I've touched the veil that separates our worlds.  I've embraced the darkness and breathed in that energy until my aura turned black and I vibrated with a power that terrified everybody.

And I miss that.  I miss touching that veil so much.  I miss who was on the other side every single day of my life.  For me, living life is playing in that darkness and exploring.  It's really the only time I ever felt alive.

What does it say about me that for me, living life, is being so close to death?

Once I get my higher brain functions back, I know the road I plan to go down.  I know what I'm going to do.  Once I get my higher brain functions back and I can once again feel the flow of energy and smell the winds, I have plans.  I am going back to that edge and I am touching that veil again.

And only then will I be able to say I feel alive.  

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