Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Are You There, Lucifer? It's Me, Ted.

I'm making huge changes in my life right now.  Worse, huge changes out of my control are happening around me.

It used to be, when those things happened, I retreated.  I couldn't deal with it so I retreated into the comfort of oblivion.  I unplugged as far as I could.  One time I almost ended up in the ER.

Not that I would have called for help or made an attempt to pass out in a public space so somebody could find me.  Had I really OD'd and died, I would have rotted in my apartment, and nobody would have known until one day all anybody could smell was rotten, dead fat guy.

The worms would have been crawling all over me as flies do tend to lay their eggs.

I just didn't care.

As long as I could run away, it was okay with me, because oblivion was always preferable.

But now that's not an option and I've made choices that have put me on a path that eliminates those ways to hide.  I'm told it'll make me happier later on down the road but right now it just sucks.

Case in point:  I had something happen recently to upset me.  I was extremely upset and hurt.  Usually, recovery from this would involve copious amounts of doughnuts, Mt. Dew, and other substances that alter my reality.  Enough to numb me so much you could perform surgery on me and I wouldn't care.

But NoooOOoo!  I had this brilliant idea to get healthy or whatever.

So, doughnuts are out of the question and the substances are as well.  Instead of running away, I'm dealing with the anxiety and depression and Satan knows what else.  I can't even count all the emotions anymore.

I feel like a kid who fell off his bike and his Mommy isn't around.  My knee is bleeding, my wrist is really swollen and I can't move it, and I'm on the front lawn just balling my eyes out but nobody hears me.

Okay, that was dramatic.  Even too dramatic for me.  Scratch that.

I feel like I took a wrong turn in Albuquerque and now I have to drive through the shittiest neighborhood ever to get back on the right road.

Last night, I pushed things a bit with my recovery.  I pushed until at around 2:30AM, I was twitching so hard, it felt like ants were in my muscles.  I'd taken a couple of Flexeril to deal with it and instead of helping, it had this strange effect where I felt the acid build in my muscles a few seconds before the twitch would not happen.  Instead, I'd feel pin and needles in that muscle.  Every 30-90 seconds this would repeat and had been happening for about two hours.  I couldn't sleep no matter what I did, nor could I get comfortable as my skin crawled.

I lasted until 2:30AM before I grudgingly conceded and acquiesced to my addiction.  It was a minor victory because I pushed for 18 hours or so.  It was brutal but I did it.

Here's the thing:  I keep reminding myself how this was my choice.  I made the decision to improve my health.  That meant eating better, exercising when I'm not too sick, and getting off various substances and habits.

It's been an incredible battle but I keep doing it.  I haven't stopped.  I want my life back.  I want my body back.  And more to the point--I want my mind back.

I've been incredibly angry these past few days.  I've been punching walls and getting off various social media so I don't shit-post all over the place.  Nobody cares that I'm missing but at least I know I'm not flooding those places with my bullshit.

I'm angry for a lot of reasons.  I'm angry at what has been taken from me.  I'm angry about what I've lost.  I'm angry at all of the time I've wasted just surviving and not living.  I'm angry that out of my 46 years on this miserable planet I can only point to a few months as being happy.  The rest have been spent struggling with depression, recovering from this or that, or in futile efforts to move beyond my station.

I'm angry at all the missed opportunities because I was too damaged to take advantage of them.  It was the damage I've been angry at.  The wreckage of the past.  I've been furious at this.

And I'm angry at myself.  I'm angry I didn't handle things in a healthy way.  I'm angry I escaped.  I'm angry I withdrew until I became a morbidly obese recluse while life passed me by.  All the while, lamenting how devastated I was my life was a miserable disappointment.

Now it's the 11th hour and I'm trying to pull out of this nosedive.  I'm furious at how much momentum I have going into the abyss.

The past week has been hard on me.  Work has cut my hours, I finally discovered who betrayed me, a person I had grown close to ghosted me, and all the while I have been working on recovery.  I have been doing exercises designed to take back my energy from those I have given so much.

But there's something else.  Satan has been on my mind a lot.  I know that sounds random but it isn't.

I've been listening to a lot of Satanic/Occult rock music.  I've found some good stuff, too.

Haunt-- Revenant  I really love these guys.  Their sound is much like Ghost but there's something else.  Either way, brilliant stuff.

Blood Ceremony -- Goodbye Gemini  How on Earth have I missed these guys?  I love their sound.  It's so 70's and dark, yet beautiful.  Just stunning.  And, of course, she's beautiful.

The Devil's Blood -- Voodoo Dust  Much of their work is visionary and once again I'm asking myself how I could possibly have missed this for so long?

The Devil's Blood -- The Madness of Serpents  I love her voice but this song should have ended at 4:00 instead of dragging on like it did.

I realize now why this has been on my mind.  Satanism is about personal responsibility.  It's about becoming stronger than your own environment and defeating your own personal demons.  Satanism is about taking charge of your own life on a level most people are unable to do and pushing through the bullshit in your mind that limits you from being more than what you are.

Satanism is intolerant of personal weakness.  Western religion, as well as most religions, teach that you should give up your own personal power and strength to a higher being.  Satanism teaches that you should be responsible for everything you can control, even if you need to use magic to control it, and the limitations are all on you. 

In recent months, I have felt incredibly weak from all that has transpired, and instead of looking to something outside myself for help, I have pulled within.  So much of what I thought I needed was inside me all along and I never knew it until now.  I've been seeking answers to questions and problems from external sources when really all I need to do was trust in myself. 

That also means I don't need to eat a dozen doughnuts while watching videos online.  I don't need to drink a 2-liter bottle of Mt. Dew in a day.  I don't need to alter my reality.  I can do this.  I can deal with what's being thrown at me because I'm strong enough. 

I just needed the Devil to remind me of this, that's all. 

Hail Satan!  

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