Ko-Fi

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Self-Talk Without the Psychosis

Hey Kid,

By now you've had a chance to catch your breath and look around a bit.  You've looked at your history and made certain to write down a long list of each and every failure you've ever had just so you can beat yourself up over it.  Nice.

Your dad would be proud of you.  The self-hatred he drilled into you over and over again has served you well.  Remember those little writing assignments he used to give you?  Where you had to write down why you were bad even though you didn't do anything wrong?  He wouldn't let you go until you wrote an essay about Why Ted Sucked.  I mean, what eight year-old doesn't deserve that?  None, of course, but only the worse--like you.

He hated you and made sure you hated you, too.

But haven't you had enough?  I mean, really.  That's your default mode--I get it.  Shit goes bad and you self-destruct with a thoroughness that would make an accountant proud.

But Mea Culpa is only good when you're out of options.

What if you took that long list of yours and burned it?  Just burned it and pissed on the ashes?  Or better yet, made a list of all the times you were in somebody's crosshairs?  Why?  Because you're still here, buddy.  You're still here.

You seem think that because your head got held under water while you struggled to lift it, fighting the hand on the back of your head, until you realized that was it and you were going to die--just because that happened you somehow deserved it.  She said you did, but you know you didn't.  What could you have possibly done to deserve that?  No four year-old deserves that.  You weren't safe with anybody.

But no, you didn't deserve it.  Yet you try to justify bad things as if you somehow deserve them.  And I'm here to tell you this--you don't.  You never did.

You didn't deserve to have your family ripped away from you.

You didn't deserve to have your business partner go to prison.

You didn't deserve to have your apartment get destroyed by a fire in the upstairs apartment.

You didn't deserve to have the frame of your car snap off the motor mounts.

These things that have happened to you aren't because you deserve them.  You keep blaming shit on your past lives and invisible wrong-doings but the truth is far different.

And I'm sure you've come to realize by now the Gods aren't going to let you out of here that easily.  Chest pains, legs twice their normal size, headaches--you're not going to get out of here like that.  They won't let you.  You're stuck.

And let's get something out of the way right now.  You seem to think a certain soulmate is waiting for you.  That when the final minute comes and your heart stops, she'll magically appear to take you over to the other side where the two of you will go back to being happy together.

Well, she's not.  How do I know this?  Because.

What have you done to grow beyond your origins?  What have you done to heal?  What have you done to cast off the chains and shackles of your past?

Nothing!  You dove into substances to help you pretend they aren't there.  But that's all you've done.

And why do you think you're here without her?  Hmm?  She's your soulmate, after all.  Why would you be here without her?  Why would you even contemplate living such a wretched existence without having her here with you?  All of your life you have felt her absence as if it were a piece of your own soul that has been cleaved off and torn away.  At times, it's been almost unbearable.

You're here to grow.  You're here to move above and beyond your origins.  And most importantly--you're here to be You.  You are not one half of a symbiotic relationship.

Think back to those past trips around the block with her.  You were her "attack bear" in one.  You were her rescuer in another.  Your entire being was defined by what you did for her.  You weren't you, you were "the guy who served her."  You had no identity without her.  And sure, you were happy, but that's an incredibly unhealthy way to live.  Anybody will tell you that.

You are here to be you.  You are here to find yourself.  Find out who Ted is and what he's about.  You are here to flourish.  Those are the rules that were set down for this trip around the block.

Sure, it's a lonely proposition.  But isolation and solitude are needed when trying to find yourself and who you are.  Because right now, you don't have a clue, do you?  You completely lack the ability to define yourself.

Here's an exercise for you:  Let's say somebody is building a carbon copy of you for a holodeck in Star Trek.  You are assigned the task of creating this HoloTed for a program.  But, you can't use any copy/paste tools.  You have to describe yourself with enough precision and detail to make a Ted for others to interact with.

Can you do it?

Right now, no.  Not in your present condition and mindset.  Right now that is something totally foreign to you.

You lost yourself somewhere in one of those trips around the block with her.  You lost who you were and why she loved you so much in the first place.  And you're here to find him again.  You're task with this trip around the block is to find you and be you.

So no, nobody is going to be with you this time around.  That would just give you a chance to go back to old habits anyways.  If you don't believe me--look at how you behaved with other women.  You would do whatever they wanted because that was the only thing that made you happy.  It was like you were a servant to them instead of a partner.  All you wanted to do was sit at their feet, looked up at them adoringly, and do whatever their whim commanded.

You defined your happiness by what you could do for them.  Tell me that's healthy!  I dare you!

It's time to heal and figure this shit out.  You're running out of time.  The Powers That Be are only going to keep you here for so long before they allow the reality of your health to catch up to you.  Your blood pressure and legs are really bad.  You have to stop sleeping in your chair so much.  You are going to get weep holes in your legs again and this time, they won't heal.  And you'll end up having a stroke like your grandfather.   You have to pull up and out of this flat spin you're in.

Yes, it's not going to be easy at all.  And yes, it's a lot you need to do at one time and immediately.  But that's because you waited until the 11th hour.

I can't do this for you.  You have to do it yourself.  And you have to do it now.  Not tomorrow.  Now.  This can't wait.  Get up after posting this.  Do some more of those stretches and yoga-like calisthenics.  Get the blood flowing before you log-in at work.

And remember--you need to do this yourself and without the company of those you seek and crave.  Sorry, but they only get in the way of things.  You just don't react right with them anyways.  Your soul is so used to being with your soulmate that even in this trip around the block, if women don't act like her you get upset.

Besides, let's be completely honest here--could any woman you've met hold a candle to her?  She would destroy those women.  She'd rip their hearts out, look back at you with that crazy grin, and take a bite out right in front of them.  These women you meet are nice and all, but they ain't her.  Not by a long shot.

The correctional measures that have kept you in a position to help yourself can't last forever.  The Powers That Be can't leave the bumpers out for too much longer.  You can call it Fate, but it's more of a push, or a corral to keep you in position.  Once it becomes obvious to everybody else that they're involved to this level, things will have to change.

So get going.  Keep yourself alive long enough to find out who you are what you are made of so you can be a whole person.  You can do this.  I'm pretty sure that once it happens, you'll be done, and they'll get you out of here.  I mean, would you rather be here or with her?  That's what I thought.  And I'm sure misses you, too.

No more talk--it's time to rock.

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