Monday, January 23, 2017

How Do I Do Healthy?

This whole Healthy Living crap is nuts!  It's confusing.  I don't have a clue what I'm doing so I had to look it up online.  And as we all know, if it's on the internet, it's the truth.

I was going to do some fad diet.  I've never gone on a fad diet and I feel like I'm missing out on something.  You know, like eating grapefruit during full moons while naked, and drinking chicken-brain smoothies with wheat grass.  Some lady in Los Angeles swears by that one.

I'm trying to live a healthier life and it's as foreign to me as learning Russian.  I've never taken care of myself. Why bother?  So, I ate what I wanted and sat in front of my computer.  Because I'm such a recluse, I never went anywhere.  I was always too broke anyways.  Plus, I just didn't care.

Why bother?  I'm a Red Shirt.  We all know how this is going to end anyways.  And besides, I was aiming for the Elvis Death--fat guy dead on a toilet.  Pow!

My friends changed my mind.  They were on me pretty hard, too, because they wanted me to make changes in my life.  Radical changes, too.  Like, how this final season of the TV show Grimm is more like Three's Company than a procedural cop drama with monsters.  Seriously.  They have people hiding in closets so Mr. Furley doesn't catch them stealing his hair.  I feel like they killed this show in the board room so the writers decided, "Meh, fuck it!  Let's spill something on Nick's head at the end of every episode."

But yeah, my friends--good people.  I'm sure they mean well.  It's not like they sit around and think to themselves, "Ted's really miserable.  We should convince him to live longer and really rub salt in the wounds."

This weekend, I bought some healthy food, which really just translates to real food and not processed crap or something dipped in chocolate or with "extra bacon" slapped on the side of the box.

It's hard to eat healthy, though, when you have a freezer full of ice cream you made.  And you have a Youtube channel called Ice Cream Every Day.  And your motto is, "If you're not eating ice cream for breakfast, then what's the point of being an adult?"

I've been meditating, too.  I used to meditate regularly but that was a long time ago.  I'm getting back into it and this time, I'm not focusing on giving people eye gonorrhea and explosive shits.  Instead of letting the hatred flow through me, I'm not focusing on the hatred at all, and clearing my mind.  That's not easy but will come with practice.

When you first start clearing your mind, the peace you seek is totally foreign to you in the same way healthy living is to me.   But like anything else, it'll come along, and I'll be able to shut off my brain for a bit.  Or at least get it down to one voice.

It's all about replacing the old unhealthy habits with healthy new ones.  I'm not going to say "erase" because I've been erased before.  It sucks.

I've been replaced, too, for that matter.  Being replaced sucks just as much.  But we're all replaceable to somebody.  Right now, somebody is thinking about replacing you with somebody else.

I've been replaced.  Every time it hurts.  It doesn't matter what the reason is, it hurts.  Period.  And knowing that in some facet of my life somebody is looking at replacing me doesn't make me feel any better.

It's probably work.  Everybody else in my life that was going to do it has already done it or decided it wasn't worth it.  

But think about it.  Maybe your dog is wondering if the nice lady across the street gives out better treats than you.  Maybe your car is thinking somebody else is easier on the motor than you.

I've been replaced a lot in my life.  My mom replaced me once.  She married a guy with kids who didn't have a ton of issues like my sister and I had, and it was just easier for her.  She gave my stuff to them and that was it.  I mean, she gave my fishing tackle to them.  My furniture from my childhood. Pretty much everything but for a few knick-knacks.  I was gone and done.

We've mended some of the fences but I'm still hurt by it.

I'm no unicorn.  And the people I feel closest to are usually the ones who replace me the quickest.  I'm not nearly as special as I'd like to think.

But knowing that I'm not that special means I can make changes in my life just as easily, too.  Because after all, if people can dump me in the garbage, then I can certainly dump certain unhealthy aspects of my life in the same garbage as well, right?

I wonder if my bad habits will miss me?  I wonder if I'll miss them?  Is that why people slip and go back to bacon cheeseburgers in the middle of their diet?  "I missed you so much!"

As an expendable Red Shirt, changing my patterns to healthy ones hasn't been all that easy, because I just figured I'd be blown up or something.  You know we don't live long.  But knowing that I'm stuck here while I heal whatever needs to be healed means I need to at least make the attempt to stick around.

Anyways, it's about time for me to get something dumped on my head while I look into the camera with an "I can never win" look on my face.  

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