Thursday, July 16, 2015

Van Wanted: Part I

About three months ago, my Ford Taurus gave up the ghost, and decided enough was enough.  Despite only having about 165,000 miles on it, the frame was rusted badly, which I knew already but I didn't realize just how badly until two the motor mounts snapped off the frame.

The only thing keeping the motor from hitting the pavement was was the steering knuckle going through the firewall.  This meant simply turning the wheel was a colossal act of strength.  It was dead and I needed to call in a priest to give it Final Rites and hear its last confession.

Finding a replacement vehicle has been tougher than getting laid.  Seriously.  And if you've ever actually seen me, you'd realize just how dark a hole that can be, or how depressing.  Sisyphus ain't got shit on me.

It's not just the fact that I'm broke.  Or that my credit is so bad my credit report catches fire when it leaves the printer and I need a co-signer when I pay cash.

No, money is only half the problem.

The other part of the problem is the same reason I'm in this mess--the Midwestern roads will eat a car up in a fraction of its lifetime.  We don't just use salt here.  Often times you'll see trucks spraying hydrochloric acid directly on the roads because the ice is so thick.  It's why there is so much roadkill on our local roads.  Poor, unsuspecting furry animals try to cross and get dissolved into puddles of goo before they reach the other side.

It has bred a special kind of White Tail Deer that acts as a kamikazee to cars that drive up and down those roads.  They will dart out and deliberately give their lives to total your car.  Sure, you get to eat them later on because roadkill deer are yummy, but your poor car ends up in the crusher.

I tried to part my car out because every time I need to scrap a car the price of scrap metal takes a shit.  When whatever I'm driving runs right, prices are through the roof.  But when I need to scrap something?  The price I get barely pays the cost of having a guy haul it to the scrapyard.

So what's a creepy van guy without a van supposed to do?  Walk around and offer free hugs to people?  Once again, if you've seen me, that's not going to work.  I couldn't outrun a Walmart scooter.

My plan is to do some kind of crowd-funding campaign, like Kickstarter or something similar, and try to raise some money to get a van.  But it can't just be any van.  If I'm lucky (which I'm not) I'll get maybe $1500 and around here that'll be a very rusty van with a decent motor and questionable transmission.  Vehicles just don't last long around these parts.

Ideally, I would need one from someplace else, like California, Arizona, New Mexico, Florida or the likes.  That means traveling, researching, and hoping somebody can help me out.

I already have a dozen people who want to help me paint the thing.  I know some incredibly talented artists who have said they would donate their time to make sure it has the proper artwork.

FREE HUGS on one side and FREE CANDY on the other.

Plus, my blog's URL in a few places so it's clear to law enforcement that I'm not really a pedo creeper looking for my next victim.  Once again, if you've met me, this is important because my good looks ain't getting me out of anything.  I get followed when I go grocery shopping because people just assume I'm going to do something evil.

I've got a Youtube channel now.  No videos to post, but I've got a channel to put them, which is sort of why I have a checking account.  No money for that, either.

My gameplan is to have a video to post along with my crowd-funding campaign.  I have the script worked out, some pretty funny gags, and I've got just about everybody I need to be in the video.  I'm working out the camera stuff and I know how to edit the thing (I think).  Plus, I have the script for the voice-over person to read.

My goal is to have this done in a couple of weeks.  Maybe.  Like most things in my life, it's a trainwreck just waiting to happen.  I'm sure there are more than a few cliffs I'll fall down in the process.  But I've been binge-watching a show on Youtube called Roadkill, which is done by Motor Trend Magazine.

Pretty much every show is a mess but somehow they make it work.  It's my life on film.  I get it--they're working with junk and somehow they get it to run and they have fun doing it.  And this is pretty much what this project is going to be like for me.

It'll be covered in duct tape, I can promise you that.  

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