Wednesday, April 15, 2015

We Aren't That Great

Once again the black rhino was announced to be extinct.  It's been extinct before.  The first time was in 2006.  Every few years, just when we think we've rid the world of the pesky nuisance, another one pops up.

I'm sure glad the Chinese are bravely offering bounties on these animals.  As a side benefit, they can use the one, single part from this animal that makes it unique in a variety of miracle-cure applications to cure cancer and impotence.

The same can be said for the Vaquita's swim bladders.  The vaquita, which is Spanish for "little cow" is a mammal (porpoise) that lives in the Pacific near the Northern California region.

This vaquita was thankfully killed in a gill net meant for sharks.  While nobody has ever been injured or killed by a vaquita, I don't feel comfortable knowing they are out there, swimming in my waters.  It's just a matter of time before they swim up the Mississippi and cause all kinds of problems for us in Wisconsin. And another thing, it lives on small fish and squid, depriving hard-working fishermen of their catch.

I don't know about you folks, I'm fucking tired of these shitty little water cows taking food away from us 6 billion humans, and it's high time we showed them who is in charge of this planet!  Maybe the various worthless whale species will see this as an example of what happens to those who don't pull their own weight around here.  I find it difficult to understand why these lazy whales don't do something useful, like pull a boat or help us with our fishing nets.  Maybe they really are smart, but they certainly aren't very industrious.  And having creatures on this planet with no other ambition than to swim around, shit in our water, eat our food and flop around lazily just won't do!

Thankfully, the Chinese are helping us out once again with this matter. While the vaquita tastes like shit, their dive bladder is a super-food that, when eaten will allow a person to live for an extremely long time.  Forget vitamins!  Fuck eating other foods that are healthy!  It's a proven fact that every Chinese citizen knows but our Mass Media has blocked out for propaganda purposes.

But the Chinese aren't the only ones to thank for this.  While they are bravely doing their part to rid the world of these useless species, the Vietnamese are also worth mentioning.

Despite having no scientific proof whatsoever, Vietnamese people swear a rumor is true that a Vietnamese politician cured his cancer by ingesting ground rhino horn, because everything about a politician must be true.  Plus, this miracle-cure is also good for hangovers.  Just put some ground-up rhino horn in your coffee and you'll feel just fine in a day.  A miracle!

Traditional Chinese medicine has really done wonders for a lot of species on this planet.  Bears, normally a worthless creature, finally had a use when it was discovered their bladder was good for "men's health".  Honestly, it's supposed to be a natural Viagra.  When I lived in Korea, my first boss was a lecherous piece of shit named Mr. Woo.  Mr. Woo always had a look on his face like a sixth grader that was just told a dirty joke.  He lied, he stole, he cheated.  He tried to force one of the teachers to sleep with him.  He used to go through my desk and look for personal stuff to get into and he'd steal any food I had in my drawers.  And while he had plenty of money for his girlfriend and her apartment, he was constantly having a hard time paying us teachers and would often be late.

Poor Mr. Woo!

But thanks to Chinese traditional medicine, he was able to get a piece of dried bear's bladder that he put into a bottle of rot-gut soju, and would he would have to drink that all throughout the day.  I felt sorry for him, having to drink all day, just so he could get it up for his girlfriend.  His wife was always furious about one thing or another.  The shrew wouldn't leave him alone.  I'm sure the soju helped him deal with that, too.

When I asked him why he just didn't get a Viagra prescription from his doctor, he got mad, and told me traditional medicine was better.  I asked him why he thought hundreds of millions of men were wrong and a multi-billion dollar industry was worthless but some witchdoctor was right, he got even more angry at me.

That was about the time I started flirting with his wife and making him think she and I were having an affair.  She liked the attention, too.  I'd always wondered how far I could have taken it had I not clued him into what I was doing but I needed him to fire me or trade me to a different school.  It was winter, I hadn't gotten paid, and my apartment didn't have hot water.

Good times!

Chinese medicine has helped a number of animals become worth something.  The tiger in China was really more of a pain in the ass until somebody realized that if you grind up their bones, and add that to wine, it's good for impotence.  This was an important breakthrough in medical history that really doesn't get enough attention.

These poor Chinese businessmen!  Impotent from old age and too much alcohol, embarrassed by their lack of vigor in front of the underage sexual slave they paid for, finally they could perform for (rape) their hostess (victim).  I mean, who cares if she was abducted or sold as a child?  She was destined for a boring life of poverty anyways.  At least this way, she can meet people with money, and if her owner allows it she might even get to hold it briefly as she delivers it to him.  And they have the tiger's bones to thank for that.

So let's applaud humanity in all our various splendors.  From Asian businessmen who have more money than they know what to do with but really care a lot about what others think of him to our consumer culture flooding our oceans with plastic, toxins and radioactivity.  We are really an awesome force and something to behold.

As for this rhino population--let's hope they're gone for good.  No animal deserves to be on our planet unless they're good eating or working.  I've tried to get a rhino steak at the local grocery store but couldn't , so I'm going to assume somebody else ate one, and it didn't taste very good.  I'm told the Passenger Pigeon was tasty if you put enough ketchup on it, but who wants to drown their food in that stuff?  We humans are too sophisticated for that!  

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