Thursday, March 19, 2015

The Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever

I've always loved bad pick-up lines.  There is something wonderfully tacky about them.

Baby, are you from Nashville?  Because you're the only ten I see.

There is always something awful and lewd about them.  As if saying something bordering on vulgar would turn a woman on and make her fall under your spell.

Damn, baby--if you were a screen door I'd slam you all day long.

If you're lucky, she might laugh, but most of the time they'll roll their eyes and walk away knowing you are an idiot.

One of the best pick-up lines I ever came up with was the anti-pick-up line.  My friend Joe and I were in a bar in Macomb called The Cafe.  We were college students and broke as hell.  Our server was gorgeous.  Tall, thin, great face and beautiful eyes.

After she brought us the third round of drinks I got the courage up to flirt with her.

"Do you keep track of how many guys hit on you during your shift?"

She stopped and looked at me for a second.  I had said something so random she didn't have an answer already waiting.  After months of seeing her, months of her working nights at a bar in a college town, somebody actually said something she had never heard before.  I got her attention.

It went downhill after that.  She wasn't interested.  Joe was highly impressed, though.

I've been having a rough time in the dating world.  Probably because I don't really date much.  I'm not a dater.  The reason is pretty simple--I'm not interested in dating anybody.  Not in the traditional sense.

For me, I need to have an emotional bond with someone before I can be attracted to them.  There is no attraction until that happens.  None.  This is why I don't hit on women unless I'm bored or I want to get a reaction out of them.  My troll genes come through sometimes.  I cannot help it.

But no, I don't ask women out.  I don't date.  I develop relationships as friends and then the emotions and attraction starts.  Once that emotional bond starts, the attraction just sort of happens.  It's not something I can control.  And since most of these women are friends who have no idea of the nasty mess that's roiling inside my head, many of them seem blind-sided by my revelations, almost upset and offended by them.  I'm a friend and they don't see me as anything but a friend.

And I cannot be attracted to a woman until she's a friend and we have a strong emotional bond.

As you can imagine, this has made for some incredibly painful and difficult days, and there have been some horrible nights spent talking to women who have no interest in me while I deeply care about them.

But I realize now I've gone about this the wrong way.  I've recently seen there are others like me and there is even a name for it.  Demisexual.

I'm not going to get into the weird debates that have been floating around the net about this term, this identity, and how it fits into various communities.  I have my identity and I'm moving forward with it.  

No, I have a new idea on how I'm going to move forward from here, and I'm working on some of the best pick-up lines ever to describe just what's on my mind.  Instead of gross and vulgar lines with bad puns and inappropriate similes, something that cuts right through the bullshit to the heart of the matter.  

"Last night I thought of you.  I was in my bed all alone and wondering about your opinions regarding Twentieth Century poetry.  I imagined you describing how much you enjoyed T.S. Eliot because I don't see you as a Sylvia Plath sort of woman."  

But sadly I'm in the Midwest and it would be much more likely she would want to talk about NASCAR or football.  I could roll with that.

This world is a weird one.  And for me, it just keeps getting weirder and weirder.  I like that.  It chases the boredom away.

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