Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Valentine's Day Craptastic Blahness

Does anybody even like Valentine's Day?  Anybody?

I know stunningly beautiful and awesome women I'd gladly crawl through the thunderbucket honeypot of a Haitian Refugee camp in August just for a date who cannot stand Valentine's Day.  They roll their eyes and cringe.

I think it's because guys like me get the wrong idea.  The world is full of those of us who are less-than and too much who think a $3.00 card with some shitty chocolate will somehow announce our intentions.  Believe me, when women notice me mentally undressing them slowly and pretty much eye-raping them, they know my intentions.  I don't play poker.  You know what's on my mind right from the beginning.

And since I don't like dumb women, the smart ones tend to figure it out quickly, and stay in public places when I'm around.  It's like herbivores when a predator is in the area.  Safety in numbers, be ready to run, and if you hear or see a van go like hell and don't stop for anything.

It must be tough being a beautiful woman.  Every loser you meet thinks they have something you want.  There's a target on your back because the ugly women are vindictive bitches and the pretty ones are always comparing what you've done to their scorecard.

I have always known I'd make a shitty woman.  I'm terrible at daily maintenance, I forget trivial daily chores, and I don't mind showing up looking like shit.  Besides, the first guy to touch me gets ganked in a soft spot while I laugh at their painful misery as they beg for an ambulance.  But they won't get one.

Another reason I'd make a shitty woman is how poorly I dress.  I'm the guy that owns a dozen red shirts because I can't match clothes to save my life.  I don't buy anything but solid colors and even then I fuck up the matching.  People have asked me if I'm color blind.

We just expect women to make the effort to look good.  Even the ugly women are supposed to at least give it the old college try.  I'd show up everywhere looking like the evil witch that lives on the edge of town.

Another reason I'd make a shitty woman is how much I really do love women.  And just because you don't love women doesn't mean I'd back off.

In a few days, it'll be one of the shittier days on the calendar.  The lonely will be upset because they're alone.  The beautiful will be annoyed because they're popular with all the wrong people.  You would think with 6 billion miserable and lonely assholes on this planet a day about love would be popular.  Instead, it's about alienation, loneliness and unrequited love.

Really, Valentine's Day is about alienation.  It's about people spending money they don't have for crap another person doesn't want to elicit an emotional reaction they don't feel towards a person they don't like.

I've given crap to women on Valentine's Day who didn't give two shits about me just so I could see their reactions.  Cruel, I know, but...Hi, I'm Ted.  I drive a creepy van.

Anyways, I love doing that.  I love finding a herd of women, looking for the most awkward one of the bunch, and giving them something.  Candy, a card, flowers.  And then I stand there, smiling.  I stand there until they muster some kind of response that doesn't break my heart.  The look on their face is fun.  It's a mixture of a cornered animal and a lawyer looking for a legal clause to get them out of trouble.

At first they act like what I gave them was a sweet gesture.  Some do.  Some back away from their present like I've given them a severed limb.  That can be fun, too.  But no, most often they act like I've done something sweet, but their subtle body language says otherwise.

Sometimes I give married women Valentine's Day gifts just to watch them squirm.  Usually I know their husbands won't do shit on that day.  So the woman has to make a choice.  Does she tell hubby about the creepy guy at work or does she keep it to herself?  If she tells him, then hubby gets annoyed and wonders if he has to get off his ass to do something.  If she doesn't, then she and I have a Secret, and that can be exploited.

I once worked with an angry woman and her jealous husband.  I used to anonymously send her flowers with love-notes attached just to watch her get grilled by her husband.  And then it became a running joke.  "Keep it up and I'll send you flowers!"

One day, she shrugged and said, "go ahead!"  She didn't think I'd do it.  Oh, how little she knew about me.  I sent her flowers with a sappy love note.

She intercepted the flowers, took the card, then turned it around on her husband.  She grilled him about who was sending him flowers and if he had a girlfriend on the side.  Good times!

So...I have no idea how to end this blog post.  Valentine's Day sucks.  I guess that's the message.  Love is a weapon, women are awesome, and I'd never want to be one.  Oh, and I'm an asshole.  Or a troll.  Maybe I'm an asshole troll.

Fuck Valentine's Day.


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