Friday, December 12, 2014

We Less-Thans and Too Muches: Life in the Friendzone

I could never date a woman who had standards so low that she would go out with a guy like me.

Groucho Marx said something similar and I stole it. It just seems to sum up how I feel about dating.

I'd like to say I'm dating again but that's misleading. 

I'm not dating I'm looking for a woman I can dupe and con into going out with me, because she obviously doesn't know me very well.

Such is the life of having no self-esteem and a dark sense of humor. I have always had trouble with these things. I've always been less-than the right things and too much of the wrong. And a lifetime of being a Less-Than and a Too Much has left me gun-shy.

Dating is stupid, anyways. But I don't do hook-ups so this is the next thing available for guys like me. Instead, lately I've been falling for friends, which is always a great idea. Even better, they've been friends who live a considerable distance from me, making even the best-case scenarios painful and doomed. I've been keeping my mouth shut about this because I've been in enough train wrecks and would rather just sit back and watch others go through them.

Nobody wants to participate in a train wreck. And being a Less-Than and a Too Much has given me a perspective that allows me to see into the future. I see failure. Lots and lots of failure.

Long-distance relationships are doomed to fail no matter what. Sure, we hear a few stories once in a while, but for the most part it is all crap. The usual way it happens is, the women are afraid of real intimacy and the men are nutjobs, lunatics, and basement-dwelling neckbeards with emotional issues. Horrible, horrible.

I've been in a series of online relationships and even at the best of times, it felt like I was on fire. It felt like I was burning up because I liked her, she liked me, and we were so many miles apart we wouldn't see each other for a long time.

And then there's the jealousy of them having fun without you, or you knowing guys are hitting on them while you're not around, or worse they might even be satiating their physical needs with somebody else while connecting with you emotionally. I've had that happen before. I was her emotional fluffer. I built her up, some other guy would take her down.

The worst part of long-distance emotional connections in The Friendzone is hearing them tell you about what they did with the guy they chose over you. Love it! Spent the night cuddling? Had great sex? Outstanding, I'll be over here with the razor blades carving shit into my legs because it feels like my chest is about to explode. Tell me more!

Equally as bad is seeing the person you care about being treated like crap by the guy she chose over you. Once again, nothing I can do but type fucking platitudes into a chat window or text message. That's the limit of what I can do--Go Me!

I once had a girlfriend who would leave me for men who abused her. She would come back for a time only to leave me again for some other horrible asshole and suffer all kinds of terrible things, then come back to me again. Her stories tore me apart because I would ask myself over and over again one question—what was wrong with me that she would choose such terrible men over me every time?

Nope! I won't do it anymore. If she can't slap me or spit on me, then we ain't dating. No lead time getting to know somebody anymore. Down n' dirty the whole way. Do you like creepy guys? Yes? Great, let's go out!

When you meet face-to-face, nothing is hidden, and you know what you are getting yourself into. A few extra pounds? Fine. A high, squeaky voice? I can deal with that. Feet like a Hobbit? Um...we can always work on that. Just keep them covered up for now and I won't talk about my van until we get to know each other better.

As I've said before, I work in a sex club. Everybody hooks up and dates each other. This is all well and good but most of the women there are barely legal, or way too young for me, and they know it. So when I say something as simple as, “Hi, how's it going?” I am laughed at or worse. I don't think of myself as my real age, but they sure do, and just talking to them creeps them out.

One thing I'm happy for is how I no longer find myself hopelessly infatuated with my lesbian friends. That used to be a problem. I could spot a lesbian from 100 yards and instantly think she was The One. It was a nightmare. And the worst part was, I knew they were gay, I just figured there was a bit of bi thrown in as well, and I could be that part of their lives. Hopeless. No use. That was college and I blame it on a phase.

So yes, I am back on the market, as it were. I find nothing exciting by it. I'm terrified. And because I'm a Less-Than and Too Much, it opens me to far worse things than rejection. I've been teased, catfished, laughed at and the butt of all kinds of cruel jokes.

But I'm back on the market. Let's see what horrors await!

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