Wednesday, December 31, 2014

I Survived 2014! What do I win?

I'm not going to lie:  2014 was a meat grinder. 

In this past year, I have endured all kinds of emotional trials and shit I didn't think I would survive.  There were nights I was afraid to sleep because the nightmares were stacked up two and three deep every single night for days on end.  There were e-mails I knew I didn't want to read and tons of calls I ignored because I knew it would just tear me up. 

This past year was a new lesson in poverty. 

This past year was a new lesson in just how much I can endure. 

This past year taught me I can do more with less. 

This past year taught me I can't ignore problems forever. 

This past year taught me to face a demon I never wanted to acknowledge even existed. 

It's a funny thing facing your demons.  You can wall them up in a corner someplace for a long time but eventually they get out.  Maybe your brain decides it's time to let it out so you can free up the space.  Or maybe the demon figures out how to pick the locks. 

For me, it was a trigger.  Something happened to me that triggered a series of memories and suddenly I was right there again.  But I ignored them some more. 

My brain didn't want that, so it reminded me with repeated clubs over the head, until I faced it. 

Good friends can lead you up to that platform where you stand face-to-face with that big, ugly fucker but in the end it's just you and the demon. 

And sometimes the demon wins.   Maybe mine did, I don't know.  I'm still here, but that doesn't count for much these days.  Survival is the slowest form of suicide and I feel so very old these days. 

This past year has made me feel like I have sat at a river and watched several lifetimes roll by while I wasn't participating in any of them.  I felt like I was in the cheap seats. 

At some point 2014 will make sense.  I have no idea right now.  I'm still dealing with it like the remnants of a bad flu bug that you just can't shake.  The emotional curb-stompings, the financial dirty sanchez, and all the other shit in between. 

2014 gave me a Cleveland Steamer. 

But in a few hours, it'll be over with.  I can start fresh and new.  And I will do just that. 

Out with what isn't working and in with something new!  New everything!  If it is causing me emotional or physical discomfort, then it is leaving my life, and I do not intend on looking back.  There is a checklist and I'm going down it item-by-item. 

Maybe 2015 is for redemption.  I feel like I owe it to myself.  Not for any other reason than because I simply have not done enough for Me. 

So that is going to be my theme for 2015.  Redemption.  We'll see how that works. 

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