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Friday, February 14, 2014

Why Valentine's Day Must End


It is time we ended a barbaric and stupid holiday re-invented as a means to sell greeting cards and other crap.

Emotion is powerful in sales.  Trust me, I've sold shit my entire life.  Emotion is powerful.

Fear is the most powerful.  Greed is second.  Love?  It's next.

Valentine's Day marketing uses all of these to lure people into participating and buying into the fabricated spirit of the day. 

1)  The history of Valentine's Day is crap.  Catholic Church Crap.  Lutheran Crap.  Even Chaucer used it for crap in Canterbury Tales.  The Church, like all religions, was about selling you something.  A story about following their rules, perhaps.  Sure, we can wax poetic and talk about the Romans or some other dead civilization but in the end it just doesn't fucking matter. 

Why not? 

Because the holiday of today bears no resemblance to what was celebrated back then.  It was a religious holiday for a martyr.  Only a priest would think it's "Get Laid Day." 

2)  Valentine's Day puts an unfair set of obligations on women who have no reason to take on those obligations. 

Buy a woman some of that over-priced bullshit and she owes you something.  Right? 

Nobody ever gave me the exchange rate.  I think I figured once that a stuffed animal was a smile, chocolate and a stuffed animal was a hug and the whole works plus a lobster dinner meant she had to do something with you even if she hated your guts. 

I have a friend who can't talk about puppies or cars without interjecting rape stats and anger at the man-based culture, but she hates this day almost as much as I do.  And she's right that is has an unfair bias. 

Men are expected to buy shit for women and women are expected to do something about it.  I'm pretty sure women know this, too.  I haven't met a single woman over the age of 18 who likes Valentine's Day.  Not one. 

Maybe married couples or folks who have been together for a long time in a committed relationship could get away with gift-giving.  But there should be a Golden Rule about this--If you haven't asked her out yet, don't do it on Valentine's Day.  Don't even buy her shit. 

If you're not dating, you're not buying. 


3)  Valentine's Day is geared towards beta men who are too timid to ask a woman out.  Instead, they are told that if you buy a woman some crap, it's better than being confident in yourself and simply getting over yourself and talking to a woman. 

I know, that's radical--get out of your mom's basement and go talk to a woman.  Take a bath first, though.  And brush your fucking teeth. 

I am convinced that 1/4 of the men who are called stalkers and creepers are really just shy and timid betas who are working up the courage to talk to a woman but keep chickening out.  The rest are just stalkers and creepers who are bad at hiding.  

No amount of crap you buy a woman will change her heart.  And if she didn't notice you before, announcing yourself as an insecure moron who thinks buying a pre-made piece of crap is a good idea will certainly get you reduced to the Idiot List. 

Diamonds are not a girl's best friend.  Diamonds are what you buy when you know she's committed to you and you want give her something to show off to her shallow, mean-spirited friends because women are evil to each other.  Seriously.  Women are totally fucking evil to each other and will fight to the death in competitions over the dumbest shit.  They'll take that rock and shove it in their best friend's face and say, "See that, bitch?  My man bought me this.  What did your man buy you?  Nothing?  Damn, I guess I win this round." 

So no, buying a gift will not make up for your bad breath, ugly teeth, weak will, or shyness.  If you can't make eye-contact with her, then don't buy her crap.

My fierce and angry feminist friend says that if women are given a gift, by not acknowledging that gift they are seen as being bitchy.  Refusing it would be even worse.  Refusing Valentine's Day crap would be seen as being not just evil, but cold-hearted.  Yes, it would be. But sometimes you have to say, "no." 


4)  Valentine's Day reduces women to a target that is to be chased and have things hurled towards.  She is a woman, not a rabbit in a field.  We're not coursing.  Worse, the whole mess takes on a predator/prey dynamic.  As a woman, you are expected to let some guy buy you crap.  No, it doesn't matter if you don't like him.  No, it doesn't matter if you are afraid of him.  Be gracious, stand still and let the big, ugly guy get close to you. 


5)  Valentine's Day is a way to ostracize others from the reindeer games.  It's another form of bullying.  Somebody might say, "Good!  Let the ugly kid know he's ugly and the fat girl know she's fat!  Maybe then they'll change and do something about it!" 

No.....sadly that's not how it works.  That person is already an introvert and by doing this, they withdraw even further into themselves and away from society.  Bullying never works.  Shame is almost as bad.  Having a day set aside to negatively reinforce people is what Halloween is for.


6)  Valentine's Day has this weird mercantile feel to it, as if I'm buying affection.  And since most women don't like being treated like a whore, that explains why so many don't like the holiday.

"Here, I bought you this in the hopes you'll give me some of your time."

Was it coke or chocolate?  We'll never know!

My man-hating friend, riding high atop a wild moose, holding a spear and wearing a cloak made from the skins of a thousand severed penises, was very quick to say Valentine's Day has the highest number of rapes.  I tried to look this up but no, I couldn't find anything.  It makes sense a little bit, though. 

Not that I would believe the statistics anyways.  I generally don't because my years of political experience have taught me that statistics are just metaphors with numbers. 

7)  Valentine's Day is based on the lie we tell ourselves that somebody is really out there for us.  We're a nice guy, right?  We're a sweetheart, etc, etc.  If that woman just knew me better, she'd love me.  If that woman could see I'm not a scary, ugly, fat, smelly bastard everything would be okay.  If she'd just realize I'm not always angry, I'm just angry every time she sees me, everything would be fine. 

We human beings have a pretty good sense about us.  We can tell when somebody is lying to us, loves us, likes us, or is a danger to us.  We know danger.  We know dislike.  And we are damned good at knowing that a box of fucking chocolate isn't going to make a woman any less afraid of you. 

8)  Valentine's Day makes most women cringe in fear at the thought that some guy, say a creepy, fat guy at work, will bake them something special.  Let's forget how loaded the word "special" can be for now and skip to what it means to know somebody loves you, cares about you, or wants to be with you while you don't want a fucking thing to do with them. 

Yes, unrequited love sucks.  Dangerous love is worse. 

Knowing that the creepy guy is going to do something for you is bad because it means he is going to expect something in return--something you ain't ever gonna give to him in a million years.  You don't love him, don't like him and if he died today you wouldn't even go to his funeral.  But he's going to bring you something on Valentine's Day and you cringe in fear because of it. 

My Marxist Feminist friend, while sitting on a throne made of the bones of men, says women tend to live in fear during Valentine's Day.  At least I think that's what she said.  I had a hard time understanding her because she was drinking blood from a man's skull at the time. 

Even I used this fear as an opportunity for some fun.  [I never claimed to be an angel and if you've read any of this blog, you'll know I'm certainly no saint.  Just remember, I hate everybody.] 

But yes, I've used this fear as a means of getting under women's skin.  I posted a threat on Facebook about embarrassing a woman with an overload of Valentine's Day kitsch.  Nobody in particular, just the dreaded "somebody".

Will I do this?  No, because if I did care about a woman who didn't give a fuck about me, I certainly wouldn't make her more uncomfortable than she already was.  Seriously.  Emotional Respect is the foundation of affection and care.  Why take an unrequited love and make it worse?   This is why I tell women I'm a sociopath.  This way, they realize I'm not capable of love, and therefor no threat to them.  It hasn't worked thus far, but I'm sure it will someday. 


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