Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Shitty Parts of Speech

I love the English language.  Being a native speaker is like belonging to some exclusive club that all the other jerks of the world have to aspire towards.  The peasants and low-born spend years in school and watch our movies closely just so they can communicate with me.  It's amazing how many years of education they need to have just so they understand me when I tell them, "Take the piss bucket outside--it smells terrible!" 

Sadly, even being born in America doesn't mean you automatically speak English well enough to be understood.  On an almost daily basis I encounter people who speak as if they had a large melon dropped on their heads from a great height.  Or worse, they have something in their mouths that prevents them from being understood. 

Being the kind-hearted person I am, I have taken it upon myself to post a little grammar information.  After all, I'm just here to help. 

I will also say my grammatical skills are terrible.   I have never been good with grammar and even in college I had a terrible time diagramming sentences.  The professor spent his time with me in private lessons trying to help to no avail.  I am constantly screwing up my apostrophes and commas.  My grammar makes proofreaders laugh. 

But there has to be a line. 

So, today's blog is about understanding the various usages of the word "shit" and how it fits into various parts of speech. 

Shit is important.  Shit is necessary.  Our world would not function without shit. 

How many times in a day do you say the word "shit"?  Personally, I know for a fact, I say it at least a dozen times every single day.  Sometimes I say it as soon as I get out of bed. 

I love this word. 

So, let's get started!  First, we have "shit" as a noun.  There are many uses and forms it can take. 

The farmer has shit on his boots.  Just a simple sentence where "shit" is a noun. 

After my first cup of coffee in the morning, I have the shits.  In this form, the word "the" always precedes "shit". 

I don't want to hear your shit!  Here, the noun for "lies and deception" is replaced by "shit". 

You're a liar and a shit!  This was one of my grandmother's favorite sayings and I used it whenever I can.  I miss my grandma dearly sometimes.  Except for those times when she would get drunk and call me a liar and a shit. 

I always get my Roxy from D-bo because he always has the good shit.  The nouns for narcotics and other various drugs can always be substituted with "shit". 

I hate having Big Hungry over at my place because he eats all my shit.  Here, the noun for "food" is replaced with "shit".  I knew a guy everybody called Big Hungry because he would come over and eat all your shit.  He would walk into your place and go right to the cupboards, go through your shit and just start eating.  

Get that shit out of my yard!  The final noun usage is for when you replaced the word "trash" or "garbage" with "shit".  You can also use it for just about any object you don't like.  As in, Get that shit off my car! 

Shit can be used as an intransitive verb, too. 

Shit!  Not as an exclamation, but more like a command.  I used to tell this to my dog when I had to take him outside and it was raining.  Who wants to stand around in that shit?  So, while he was sniffing around and looking for shit, I'd tell him to shit. 

I can't shit here.  After a long day of usage, the bathrooms at work are nasty, and sitting down to re-enact 60 Seconds Over Tokyo is simply out of the question.  Some folks can only shit at home. 

Good morning, time to shit!  There's that first cup of coffee again. 

Why does it smell bad in here?  I shat!  Remember, folks--the past-tense of "shit" is "shat". 

We can also use "shit" for transitive verbs.  We need an object, or thing, with our verb.  Verbs are about doing. 

I called my cable company and the sales rep kept shitting me.  As a telemarketer, I do this a lot.  Daily, even.  I'm paid to shit people.  Shitting is my business, and business is good! 

Another NFL player was arrested for a violent offense?  You're shitting me!  The verb form is synonymous with deception. 

I shit that nasty chilli all night long.  This is also why you eat ice cream after a spicy meal.  This way, you have something to cheer for and you can say, "Come on, ice cream!" 

I can't drink PBR, it makes me shit my brains out.  An understandable reaction to bad beer. 

Perhaps my favorite usage of "shit" is an interjection.  I mean, shit--who doesn't have those moments? 

Well, folks--I hope this shit I'm shitting out on my shitty little blog is giving you the good shit so you can go about your shitty day shitting the shitheads you see along your way and shit. 

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