This isn't about politics.
I will not do that here.
In recent days, I've been increasingly depressed. I'm lashing out at people, getting angry over stupid shit, and starting arguments and picking fights online. I've been having a harder and harder time controlling my anger, waking up grumpy, and ready to piss people off.
In fact, I've been making people angry and then walking away, just to really rub salt in the frustration of it all.
All this time I've been wondering what's wrong with me. Why am I falling apart like this? Where is this depression coming from? And why am I waking up ready to shit on the entire world? I realize now that's going on.
Social media is full of posts about the latest issue to piss people off--children being separated from their families at the border. The children are taken into custody and held there until family members who have already come to the US can be located, and told to come get these children. Then, the kids are handed over to family members. Parents who are divided from their kids are understandably upset and in one case, a man killed himself out of anguish.
I lost my family because of US immigration laws. The only thing I ever wanted in life--a family--was taken from me. It destroyed me. I'm still not over it and we're coming up on 18 years. It is still raw for me to this day.
The news being blasted on social media has ripped open these wounds for me. I am reliving a lot of the emotions I endured when this first happened. The horror of knowing your family is torn from you by a system that will not, and will never, show mercy or empathy. Nobody cares.
Because it's trendy now, social media is full of righteous outrage, and everybody is screaming about the children. But that's okay, as I'm sure they'll move on to something more horrible later down the line, because there's always something more horrible. This world is such a terrible place, and our species is so violent and sadistic, we can be assured that there will always be something worse in our future.
There was no angry social media posts for me when I was dealing with Immigration fucking me over. When I told people about how my wife would call me on the phone crying because she was worried about her safety, and how our daughter was so skinny because she couldn't afford much food, I would be met with a shrug of the shoulders and a "wow, that sucks."
That was it. Nobody gave a shit. And there was nobody there to help me.
I was going to sneak my family into the states through Mexico. I got as far as speaking to Mexican workers who had made the trek several times, and I quickly realized how dangerous it was. I was pretty much guaranteeing my family would be severely hurt, if not killed, and if they were arrested, I'd never see them again. At the time, my daughter was a toddler, and it would have been pure hell on her.
I also thought of making the Northern route. There are passages through Canada into Idaho, Washington, and Minnesota we could have tried. It would have been expensive, too arduous for my wife and daughter, and I would have risked serious consequences if caught. In that area, it wasn't so much ICE as it was DEA agents, who would have instantly labeled me a drug runner despite not having any drugs on me at all, just because they knew they could pile on the charges.
In my research, I had come across a story about that exact thing happening. The guy didn't have any drugs on his at all, and he was with his wife and baby, hiking down a trail into the US. They were caught by the DEA, and he was labeled a drug trafficker. His wife was arrested and sent back to Thailand with their baby, and he was thrown in prison. I've been searching Google for the link to that story, but it was about 17 years ago, pre-9/11, and I just can't find it.
Just reading that story was enough for me. I knew it would be a horrific risk and the odds were so far against it working, it was best not to even try. Plus, I just didn't have the resources to try.
But here's the thing--I knew the risks. I knew that if caught, my daughter would be divided from not only myself, but also my wife, and it would be traumatic for them both. I knew it would be so horrific that I didn't even try it.
With all of these news stories, I have been reliving all of the emotions I went through back then, and it has been difficult for me. This never goes away. It never leaves me. I am always carrying the loss around and I can't get rid of it no matter what I try.
The closest I have gotten to some kind of healing is realizing that with all of the things that went wrong, it's obvious to me Fate had plans for them, and those plans did not include me. Fate needed them to be on their own, together, for whatever reason and whatever lessons. This was not about me. This was about the path they were supposed to walk, and Fate knew I would carry them as best as I could, so I had to be removed from their lives.
You have no idea how painful it is to write those words. But it has been the best way for me to deal with what I have lost. This past weekend was Father's Day and it sucked. I like to think I would have made a good dad to my daughter. I try not to think about all of the horrific things that happen to girls who grow up without a dad. When those thoughts do come around, I want to die, because that way I don't have to see the hurt and pain in my daughter's life.
I'm trying to take a break from social media. I'm trying to keep my mind clear of the bullshit. Plus, I'm trying not to be angry at people. But I'll admit there is a lot of anger there.
But rest assured--there will be something even uglier in the press soon, and we can all move on to the next reason to be outraged.
I will not do that here.
In recent days, I've been increasingly depressed. I'm lashing out at people, getting angry over stupid shit, and starting arguments and picking fights online. I've been having a harder and harder time controlling my anger, waking up grumpy, and ready to piss people off.
In fact, I've been making people angry and then walking away, just to really rub salt in the frustration of it all.
All this time I've been wondering what's wrong with me. Why am I falling apart like this? Where is this depression coming from? And why am I waking up ready to shit on the entire world? I realize now that's going on.
Social media is full of posts about the latest issue to piss people off--children being separated from their families at the border. The children are taken into custody and held there until family members who have already come to the US can be located, and told to come get these children. Then, the kids are handed over to family members. Parents who are divided from their kids are understandably upset and in one case, a man killed himself out of anguish.
I lost my family because of US immigration laws. The only thing I ever wanted in life--a family--was taken from me. It destroyed me. I'm still not over it and we're coming up on 18 years. It is still raw for me to this day.
The news being blasted on social media has ripped open these wounds for me. I am reliving a lot of the emotions I endured when this first happened. The horror of knowing your family is torn from you by a system that will not, and will never, show mercy or empathy. Nobody cares.
Because it's trendy now, social media is full of righteous outrage, and everybody is screaming about the children. But that's okay, as I'm sure they'll move on to something more horrible later down the line, because there's always something more horrible. This world is such a terrible place, and our species is so violent and sadistic, we can be assured that there will always be something worse in our future.
There was no angry social media posts for me when I was dealing with Immigration fucking me over. When I told people about how my wife would call me on the phone crying because she was worried about her safety, and how our daughter was so skinny because she couldn't afford much food, I would be met with a shrug of the shoulders and a "wow, that sucks."
That was it. Nobody gave a shit. And there was nobody there to help me.
I was going to sneak my family into the states through Mexico. I got as far as speaking to Mexican workers who had made the trek several times, and I quickly realized how dangerous it was. I was pretty much guaranteeing my family would be severely hurt, if not killed, and if they were arrested, I'd never see them again. At the time, my daughter was a toddler, and it would have been pure hell on her.
I also thought of making the Northern route. There are passages through Canada into Idaho, Washington, and Minnesota we could have tried. It would have been expensive, too arduous for my wife and daughter, and I would have risked serious consequences if caught. In that area, it wasn't so much ICE as it was DEA agents, who would have instantly labeled me a drug runner despite not having any drugs on me at all, just because they knew they could pile on the charges.
In my research, I had come across a story about that exact thing happening. The guy didn't have any drugs on his at all, and he was with his wife and baby, hiking down a trail into the US. They were caught by the DEA, and he was labeled a drug trafficker. His wife was arrested and sent back to Thailand with their baby, and he was thrown in prison. I've been searching Google for the link to that story, but it was about 17 years ago, pre-9/11, and I just can't find it.
Just reading that story was enough for me. I knew it would be a horrific risk and the odds were so far against it working, it was best not to even try. Plus, I just didn't have the resources to try.
But here's the thing--I knew the risks. I knew that if caught, my daughter would be divided from not only myself, but also my wife, and it would be traumatic for them both. I knew it would be so horrific that I didn't even try it.
With all of these news stories, I have been reliving all of the emotions I went through back then, and it has been difficult for me. This never goes away. It never leaves me. I am always carrying the loss around and I can't get rid of it no matter what I try.
The closest I have gotten to some kind of healing is realizing that with all of the things that went wrong, it's obvious to me Fate had plans for them, and those plans did not include me. Fate needed them to be on their own, together, for whatever reason and whatever lessons. This was not about me. This was about the path they were supposed to walk, and Fate knew I would carry them as best as I could, so I had to be removed from their lives.
You have no idea how painful it is to write those words. But it has been the best way for me to deal with what I have lost. This past weekend was Father's Day and it sucked. I like to think I would have made a good dad to my daughter. I try not to think about all of the horrific things that happen to girls who grow up without a dad. When those thoughts do come around, I want to die, because that way I don't have to see the hurt and pain in my daughter's life.
I'm trying to take a break from social media. I'm trying to keep my mind clear of the bullshit. Plus, I'm trying not to be angry at people. But I'll admit there is a lot of anger there.
But rest assured--there will be something even uglier in the press soon, and we can all move on to the next reason to be outraged.
I think about your struggles as well as your wife and daughter's. You all are always on my mind and in my prayers to whatever God might help. Hopefully someday you will be finally reunited.
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