Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Misery Loves Company

Right now I'm popping muscle relaxers like candy to deal with the weird twitching and body anxiety that makes me vibrate and jitter as I clean up.  It's something that happens as neurons are no longer suppressed.

It's like restless legs syndrome of the entire body.  Without the muscle relaxers, I'd be twitching every few seconds, legs kicking out and arms jolting like some demented marionette.

Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get two hours of sleep tonight.  That's the lucky version.  But the good news is I haven't thrown up at all today.

I'm sick of happy people.  I'm sick of "good news" and all of that shit.

Normally I wouldn't be so sour about this sort of shit but right now I just can't take hearing people gush about how well their lives are going.

This friend got a new job blah, blah, blah...

This friend finally got pregnant after months and months of effort blah, blah, blah...

This friend found Mr. Right who worships her and takes care of her blah, blah, blah...

This friend's career is going well and she's gaining momentum blah, blah, blah...

This friend is finally fucking the guy she had a crush on blah, blah, blah...

And a friend thought she'd "cheer me up" by sending me pictures of her vagina.  Because I love pictures of a nude woman I'll never have.  Seriously.  How in the fuck is that supposed to cheer me up?  "See how all men want this?  You ain't getting it!  Looks good, doesn't it?"

Yes, I know I'm being grumpy.

I'm so angry at happy people right now I could scream.

I don't want to hear about happiness.  I want to hear about how fucked up somebody's life is and how they're miserable like me.

And while I'm at it--do dry heaves count as puking or are they something different on the tally sheet?  Asking for a friend.  He's in bad shape but twisted.  You wouldn't believe how sick he is right now.

My head does this weird OCD thing at times like this.  It goes in a loop with ear worms.  The last time, it was a couple of pop songs and an old Pantera song.  Or wait...no, the the last time was JPoP songs.  The American pop songs were a year ago.

I forget sometimes how this works.  My brain has everything jumbled.  Sometimes it's hard to talk and actually articulate anything meaningful.

Yesterday, I went to see my medical guy.  I love him dearly and I'm lucky to have met him.  The scheduling nurse asked my phone number and I couldn't remember all of it.  I just couldn't get the numbers straight.  I was so frustrated I felt like crying.  I just couldn't remember my own fucking phone number.

The good side is I've dropped a few pounds.  Twenty-five, actually.  If you've read this black box of mine long enough, you'll know how kind I am to myself.  I was disappointed and upset when I saw the numbers on the scale.  It's so hard for me to accept progress that isn't outstanding and beyond expectations from myself.  I just expect myself to be awesome if I do something and if I'm anything less there are consequences. 

I'm almost on the other side of this.  I can feel it.  I'm almost ready to turn a corner and be free of the hooks burrowed deeply into skin.  Almost.

The difference has been my friends.  They've put with my non-stop whining and complaining and moaning and bitching for well over two months now.  The lack of sleep, the self-pity, the anger and frustration.  I'm lucky.  Again.

A friend pointed out that I might be stronger than I think.  I asked the universe for help and in the last month people have come out of the woodwork on my behalf.  People with experience in the very things I'm dealing with.  And let me tell you--some of it is very specific.  You don't just find these sorts of people from a Google search.

Things have begun to change.  I can honestly say that.  I mean, I'm still an unlovable reclusive shut-in, but I'm beginning to feel better.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe I can get through this.  I just need, for now, to not feel like the most miserable person in the room. I've been that guy for far too long and I'm trying to change that. 

As I've said before, if I'm going to be here, then I'm going to have a life worth living.  The clock is ticking.  I need to hurry. 


1 comment:

  1. I absolutely feel you - I'm trying to put a good face on things but I wanna punch the next person I see upload a youtube video that tells me how well they are doing - I also believe you are strong and will overcome. Also, the chick who sent you the picture? That's fucking gross. And arrogant.