Feedback Loops and Devil's Night

I love Halloween dearly despite it being the time of year I take a serious beating by life as if there's a holiday dedicated to kicking my ass.  Octobers are rough for me.  They've always been rough ever since I was a little kid.  I have no idea why this pattern is like this. It's a feedback loop.  Again and again. 

When I was a kid, it was report cards with bad grades and severe head colds and my dad being drunk and angry at me for not being the football star he imagined himself to have been.  He was disappointed that despite me being bigger and stronger than he was my age, I wasn't a football hero.  I stopped playing football after my freshman year because of grades.  Besides, I really hated playing football. 

October was when bad things happened.  It's always been like that. 

Right now, I cannot work because my entire cable package isn't working and hasn't worked for days.  MediaCom won't be out until the day after Halloween.  I'm going to lose half a paycheck over it because I cannot work without cable. 

And my computer monitor isn't working right.  Once again, I need to get another one, because I'm the only guy I know who needs a new computer monitor once a year.  I'm using the one from work and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when work starts back up again. 

But there are some lucky things happening right now. 

I have a DVR full of recordings I haven't had time to watch.  I've caught up on Star Wars Rebels, Gotham, and a few other things.  Right now I'm watching Doctor Who.  I love the Doctor.  He's taught me a lot. 

This weekend, I went to a Halloween party.  Those of you who know me will know I have a terrible time leaving my apartment.  I'm reclusive and a borderline shut-in.  I leave my place maybe once a week.  So for me to actually leave and go see people isn't easy.  But a voice was telling me I needed to go.  There was something about this Halloween party that was important and I had to be there. 

It was a fun time, I met some new people, and was able to offer words of solace to a woman who was doubting herself.  Plus, I met a very gifted young girl who is incredibly powerful.  She's a medium and very sensitive.  She can see spirits and talk to them.  It's my belief I could teach her a few things about defense, energy, and perspective.  I'd hate for somebody to learn lessons the hard way like I did. 

The Doctor Who episode I'm watching right now is the first adventure Peter Capaldi takes his new companion, Bill, to Earth's first colony on another planet.  There are these buttons everybody wears that reflects your current mood.  And if you're not happy, you get killed.  Just like that. 

This blog has become my own person Black Box like on an aircraft so I can document just how far down I've spiraled and what I'm doing to get back up.  Or if I ever will.  The New Agers in the world will tell you that if you're feeling down, all you need to do is think happy thoughts and change your mind's perspective. 

As someone who has dealt with severe depression and all kinds of damage, and has been accused of being broken and damaged, I can tell you that isn't the case at all.  You can't just think happy thoughts and move on from there.  Thoughts aren't easy to change. 

As I've said before, you can't think your way into right acting but you can act your way into right thinking.  It's impossible at first.  It's like trying to walk up a wall or stand on your head.  But it's the little things you do while you try to scale that wall that add up and make the difference. 

My mood is better.  That moment of clarity I had two weeks ago was powerful and saved my ass from a dark road with a fast end.  I've been making the effort to do what is right and pull out of this tail-spin. 

But every once in a while I hear some New Ager/positive thinker and it just kills me.  Somebody once told me to "Just decide to be happy."  It felt like a knife in the gut because I had now idea how to do that.  I felt defective because I didn't know how.

I want to live my life.  I want to find all of the things that make this life worth living.  I want to experience the things I see everybody else having.  So much of this life has been just survival.  It upsets me to know what I've missed out on and to know what has been denied to me.  Worse, that which has been taken from me, and I can never get it back. 

My friends tell me it's not too late.  They tell me it might still happen.  I just have to believe it will be a reality and move accordingly.  I have no faith.  I have no hope.  But I'm doing what I'm doing because there is nothing left for me to do.  I have two options and as I've said, I've picked this one, for now.  And I'm ready to jump to the next option at the first definitive sign that this is wasted effort and worthless. 

But those who tell me to "just be happy" seem to me to not understand things.  How does one do that?  How does one just suddenly decide to be happy?  To me, it's a form a denial.  It's a lie you tell yourself.  It's about having no guilt, remorse, and being incapable of empathy. 

Sociopaths suddenly decide the past no longer matters. 

But that's not fair.  I've known some who weren't sociopaths but they still just suddenly decided one day to start life anew and leave all the shit behind them.  I don't get it and I never have. 

I've been the victim of it, though.  I've been the past that gets ignored.  I've been the mistake that got erased. 

But I've never been able to just "be happy" and live my life.  There are no switches inside my brain for that magical transformation.  And I'm not even sure I wish there were because it seems like a horrible thing to do to those you care about. 

I have always felt like doing that is somehow a denial of yourself and a denial of who you are.  The reinvention of yourself has to be from devastation and cannot be on the fly or mid-stride because otherwise it's an evasion of truth and just another form of self denial. 

To me, somebody who has just simply decided, "I'm going to be happy" is the same as someone lying to themselves.  I've been left behind by those people before and I can tell you it's incredibly painful to be an afterthought or worse, to be treated like a reminder of a past they want to escape. 

I will never do that to another person. 

So what am I going to do? 

Well, tomorrow is my birthday.  I've scheduled an appointment at the clinic to get some bloodwork done and get a follow-up check-up.  I have no idea what will come of it. 

After that, I'm not sure.  I really don't want to spend tomorrow alone but there's no other option.  Once again, it's how I've set my life up, and this is the cycle I'm in.  There aren't many options. 

I did this to my life.  Not directly, but my actions did this nevertheless.  I'm trying to fix it.  I'm going where I'm invited.  I'm visiting people when they ask me to stop over.  I'm trying to fix this. 

But it's going slowly. 

People all around me are moving.  They're evolving.  They're becoming the person they were meant to be.  And all the while I'm stuck in the trenches doing battle daily with personal demons and a head full of ghosts. 

I want the magic switch I can flip to stop memories.  I want to forget about those I've cared for deeply and rejected me.  I want to forget about how badly my name is a curse word to some.  I want to forget how many years it has been since I felt happy. 

Actually, I'll be honest here and say there is a switch.  It's just a substance you put in your body to make it all go away. And it was killing me so I have been walking away from it.  That, my friends, is a battle for the ages! 

I feel so badly on most nights!  There are nights where it is a monument to my own internal mechanisms just to wake up the next day to do it all over again. 

So how to do I just turn my back on all of that and sing "La-Di-Da, I don't give a fuck about anybody but myself and my own happiness!  La-Di-Da" while smiling broadly? 

Tomorrow is Halloween.  I'm really hoping something happens.  And maybe that's part of my problem.  In truth, I need to make things happen instead of waiting for it.  Fortune favors the bold and I'll be honest and say I'm not very bold.  I'm withdrawn and reclusive.  So how do I change that? 

Furthermore, is it something I can speed up or is it like bread dough rising and I just need to let it take its course? 

I'm just not feeling Halloween this year.  For some reason it's just not that magical to me and I don't know why.  Maybe because it's so fucking cold outside that we had snow today.  Or maybe because I haven't eaten any sugar in the past three months.  I'm craving it.  Badly.  Or maybe because I keep my apartment decorated with Halloween decorations all year long.  I don't know why but for some reason Halloween just doesn't have that spark for me this year. 

But I'm looking forward to getting on a scale tomorrow.  I want to see how much weight I've lost.  It's a small, insignificant victory.  Hollow, really.  But I want to know.  My pants fit me better so I'm curious.  I try not to tell myself it's too late.  I try not to think about those I've cared about who rejected me or of all those times I imploded and self-destructed and ruined everything.  A few pounds won't fix that.  There's no amount of weight I can lose that would fix anything.  And I can be clean and lucid all I want and that won't fix anything either. 

So where does that leave me? 

On Halloween I am going to treat myself to something sweet.  Diabetes, heart problems, and threat of stroke be damned.  I'm going to eat things and celebrate.  It's not a Happy Switch but it's the best I've got to work with.  I'll be alone, but that's okay.  I put a lot of effort into destroying my life whether I wanted to or not.  It just happened that way.  And while I miss certain people, I can't change the past, nor can I undo what I've done. 

I have no idea what's going to happen next.  I'm just going through the motions and if the universe decides to give me something, then so be it. All of my plans have always failed.  All that I have wanted was kept out of my reach and all I have loved or cared about have left me or were chased away by my own insanity.  So at this point, I'm not sure what I could possibly look forward to, but I'm going to hang around and find out.  No magic switch, just clawing my way through one more day, and that's the best I've got right now. 

Misery Loves Company

Right now I'm popping muscle relaxers like candy to deal with the weird twitching and body anxiety that makes me vibrate and jitter as I clean up.  It's something that happens as neurons are no longer suppressed.

It's like restless legs syndrome of the entire body.  Without the muscle relaxers, I'd be twitching every few seconds, legs kicking out and arms jolting like some demented marionette.

Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get two hours of sleep tonight.  That's the lucky version.  But the good news is I haven't thrown up at all today.

I'm sick of happy people.  I'm sick of "good news" and all of that shit.

Normally I wouldn't be so sour about this sort of shit but right now I just can't take hearing people gush about how well their lives are going.

This friend got a new job blah, blah, blah...

This friend finally got pregnant after months and months of effort blah, blah, blah...

This friend found Mr. Right who worships her and takes care of her blah, blah, blah...

This friend's career is going well and she's gaining momentum blah, blah, blah...

This friend is finally fucking the guy she had a crush on blah, blah, blah...

And a friend thought she'd "cheer me up" by sending me pictures of her vagina.  Because I love pictures of a nude woman I'll never have.  Seriously.  How in the fuck is that supposed to cheer me up?  "See how all men want this?  You ain't getting it!  Looks good, doesn't it?"

Yes, I know I'm being grumpy.

I'm so angry at happy people right now I could scream.

I don't want to hear about happiness.  I want to hear about how fucked up somebody's life is and how they're miserable like me.

And while I'm at it--do dry heaves count as puking or are they something different on the tally sheet?  Asking for a friend.  He's in bad shape but twisted.  You wouldn't believe how sick he is right now.

My head does this weird OCD thing at times like this.  It goes in a loop with ear worms.  The last time, it was a couple of pop songs and an old Pantera song.  Or wait...no, the the last time was JPoP songs.  The American pop songs were a year ago.

I forget sometimes how this works.  My brain has everything jumbled.  Sometimes it's hard to talk and actually articulate anything meaningful.

Yesterday, I went to see my medical guy.  I love him dearly and I'm lucky to have met him.  The scheduling nurse asked my phone number and I couldn't remember all of it.  I just couldn't get the numbers straight.  I was so frustrated I felt like crying.  I just couldn't remember my own fucking phone number.

The good side is I've dropped a few pounds.  Twenty-five, actually.  If you've read this black box of mine long enough, you'll know how kind I am to myself.  I was disappointed and upset when I saw the numbers on the scale.  It's so hard for me to accept progress that isn't outstanding and beyond expectations from myself.  I just expect myself to be awesome if I do something and if I'm anything less there are consequences. 

I'm almost on the other side of this.  I can feel it.  I'm almost ready to turn a corner and be free of the hooks burrowed deeply into skin.  Almost.

The difference has been my friends.  They've put with my non-stop whining and complaining and moaning and bitching for well over two months now.  The lack of sleep, the self-pity, the anger and frustration.  I'm lucky.  Again.

A friend pointed out that I might be stronger than I think.  I asked the universe for help and in the last month people have come out of the woodwork on my behalf.  People with experience in the very things I'm dealing with.  And let me tell you--some of it is very specific.  You don't just find these sorts of people from a Google search.

Things have begun to change.  I can honestly say that.  I mean, I'm still an unlovable reclusive shut-in, but I'm beginning to feel better.  I'm beginning to feel like maybe I can get through this.  I just need, for now, to not feel like the most miserable person in the room. I've been that guy for far too long and I'm trying to change that. 

As I've said before, if I'm going to be here, then I'm going to have a life worth living.  The clock is ticking.  I need to hurry. 




  

It's Your Shamanic Death, Charlie Brown!

I know that I've been saying some crazy things lately.  And I know that I've sounded suicidal and at times delusional.  Please understand that I'm neither of those things.  It's just that my perspective on things is deeply spiritual and things are going on right now that are powerful.  

This is going to sound like more of those posts but I need you, Dear Reader, to please stick with me here.  

This is important.  

I had a moment of clarity today that was so powerful it illuminated for me a path towards a future I never thought possible. 

I was in my kitchen, getting sicker by the minute, the withdrawals building in intensity.  And my mind was filled with the realization of light and rebirth.  The Phoenix.  

I'm a Scorpio.  We are represented by three symbols:  the scorpion, the eagle, and the phoenix.  We're dark, sure.  The darkest of the dark.  Why?  Because we look in the shadows without fear.   

This is important.  The phoenix periodically dies and is reborn from their own ashes, burning brightly and flying high.  Darkness that once consumed it cast aside and put in the past.  It's about healing and rebirth.  

So, I was in my kitchen.  I was anxious and nervous.  I was upset.  And then I wasn't.  It left me and I finally saw what was happening to me.  I realized the path I was on was all part of the fate I was so determined to understand.  And dreaded.  

In my kitchen, at that moment, I suddenly realized I was dying a spiritual death and that it was going to be okay.  This is how it is supposed to be.  

What does a "spiritual death" mean?  

I've alluded to a lot of things in the past.  It's really been a problem for me.  I doubt anybody has ruminated and dwelled on their own past nearly as much as I have in the last year.  It's just not a healthy thing for a human to do.  So why did I do it?  

I think part of me is still kicking myself for things I somehow believe I could have changed.  I'm hard on myself.  Brutal and unforgiving, really.  I blame myself for the loss of my family.  I blame myself for a lot of the abuse I endured as a child.  Worse, I blame myself for what my mom and sister dealt with from my dad, and how it's my fault because I didn't do enough to protect them.  

There are other things I carry with the same perspective and it's just not fair or logical.  All of that needs to end.  It's killing me.  

There's a long list of things like that.  Twisted thinking hammered into deformity from years of improper coping skills.  It's difficult for me to allow myself to say, "I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time."  

And I don't let things go very easily.  

A shaman's death is when you confront those demons.  You cut off the baggage weighing you down and change the cycle you are stuck repeating over and over.  

A part of you dies.  

That sounds melodramatic until you've experienced it.  It's serious business because a radical change takes place.  It shreds the mind and breaks the heart while pushing your body to the its limits.  It's not pretty to watch, either.  

Standing there, in my kitchen, shaking and sweating from the hot flashes that come on suddenly, I could see what this road was as if a heavy fog suddenly dissipated.  

Some cultures have rituals for this.  Various Native American tribes had rituals and rites of passage that were all part of a shamanic death.  It's one of those commonalities that appear again and again worldwide.  Let's face it, the story of Jesus Christ in the New Testament is a literal Shamanic Death, where he suffers, dies, is buried, and he rises from the grave anew.  

I'm not saying I'm Jesus or anything insane like that.  I'm saying that the theme of shamanic death is a common one.  

A friend sent me this video today.   This describes pretty much exactly what I'm going through right now.  It's just another interpretation of what a shamanic death means through the lens of another culture.  I found the video to be incredible in how accurate it was in describing the earlier stages.  

She pointed out that this was triggered by the eclipse we had this summer.  They're powerful and will move all kinds of things in our lives.  And I'm so grateful for this.  

I asked the Powers That Be in the universe for help.  Shit was bad and I needed help.  In the past month or so, people have come out of the woodwork into my life with various experiences that were all similar to my own.  Instead of me telling an insane story nobody believes, I have a shared experience with somebody who went through it, too.  That alone is more powerful than any medication.  

I have a medical professional I completely trust and know I can rely upon.  That's not very common, either.  

I have friends who want me to be here tomorrow.  

And today, for the first time in an incredibly long time, I saw where this road could really lead me.  I saw, for the first time, just what others meant when they told me I could do anything I wanted.  And for the first time ever, I envisioned in my mind just what I could become as a person.  I saw this without remorse and envy.  I saw this without anger or sadness.  

Today I realized that I can be what and who I really am through a process of dying and being born again.  

But this was all the easy part.  The hard part is coming soon.  In a few days, under medical supervision, I will begin the painful and horrific rite of passage that will lead to me being off the substance I'm addicted to forever.  It's finally going to happen.  My medical professional and I had a gameplan to slowly taper off over the course of months due to the high dosages I'm accustomed to but because of a series of circumstances things have to happen now.  

I can do this.  I can do it and I'll be healthier because of it.  And if I lie to myself enough about wanting to do it, I might actually believe it.  Because right now I'm terrified.  

Today I went for a short walk before work.  I moved better than I have in almost three years.  Faster and without pain in my hips or knees.  It's because of the weight I've lost thus far.  I don't know how much but I know I've lost a bunch. I don't like mentioning it because I feel like the slow kid who got an award from the teacher for not shitting his pants in class that day.

The transformation has already started.  The hard part is coming in the next few days.  I have my friends and professionals ready to go.  Now all I have to do is submit to death.    

Options: Pick One

When I was a Senior in high school, we were constantly told how those were going to be the best years of our lives.  I was miserable.  I was horrifically depressed and had no tools whatsoever to deal with any of it.

One day I was walking down the hallway wondering just why in the hell I was putting up with this and if I should just walk in front of a train to be done with it all before it got worse.  I must have had that look on my face because our Principal, Mr. King, saw me.

"What's wrong, Ted?"

"I just can't believe these are the best years of my life."  It was hard for me to speak.  I was that depressed.

"They're not," he said.  "These are the worst.  It gets better."

He slapped me on my back and sent me on my way.

I never forgot that.  I carried it with me for a long time.  Things will get better.  They just have to because they can't get any worse, right?

In a couple of weeks, I'm going to turn 46 years old.  And I feel like I'm hurling towards some kind of terminal crossroads.  I'm going to have to make a choice.

I'm going to be honest and say this life has never really been that good.  I've never really enjoyed myself much.  I tried, too.  I really did.  But it just never panned out for me.  I've had far more miserable moments than I've had good ones.

If given the option to do it all over again, I wouldn't.  Given the option at age 18, knowing what this life would become up to this point, I'd have walked in front of that train.  I really would have.

Tonight I went for a walk after work.  I walked down to the creek and back.  Last month I would have never been able to have done that.  The pain in my hips would have been too much and my knees would have just screamed at me.

I was able to go down and back without hip pain or knee issues tonight.  I was winded as fuck, but I wasn't in pain.  It's improvement.  A very small one, though.  Not enough to really do much with.

I keep going over and over again in my head the balance of this life.  Is this shit worth it?  I'm kicking an addiction, losing weight, facing my demons (literally and figuratively) while trying to keep sane enough to function.

What could I possibly hope for?  I know the odds are not in my favor.  In truth, this doesn't look good.  I don't see a happy ending here.  And I just can't dream of one.  I can write fiction all day and all night.  Right now, I'm world-building.  My WIP is fantasy/sci-fi.  I can create all of these races and religions but I can't picture in my head a better future for me.

Tonight, a friend I've been unloading upon sent this to me:

Losing weight isn’t some magic pill.. Nothing is. Life has good and bad regardless of where you’re at. The key is to find the good wherever you are. It’s a skill. And a habit. You have a different habit that sees the grim parts because we keep getting blind sided by life. It takes time to retrain the mind. Just like losing weight. The mind is a muscle too. It needs strengthening, consistency and nourishment. Some days are harder than others. But keep training it toward gratitude and slowly you’ll start to lose a different kind of weight. One that’s weighing down your soul 



It's the first thing to make sense to me in a long time.

In a lot of ways, all I can see are the gaping wounds and the damage that's been done.  I don't see the healing.  I don't see a way out of the wreckage, just the wreckage.

So I have to wonder how to fix that.  How does one change their perspective?  How does one fix their way of seeing things?

Because right now, I don't see a happy ending here.  I see a number of reasons to just be done and check out early because I know how this movie ends.

Here's my logic in all of this:  Let's say I bust my ass and do everything perfectly for two years.  If I'm lucky, with my age and metabolism, I'll be lucky to lose maybe 150 lbs in that two-year period.  Fine.  So, I'll be functionally fat. I'll look like a shar-pei puppy with all of the loose skin dangling, and it'll smell like shit until I cough up $50K for the surgery.  Or, if I'm lucky, it'll be so infected that it's life-threatening, and my insurance will cover it.

But that's not the big issue.  The big issue is just how my mind is so fragmented.  I gained this weight so I would have a defense against women anyways.  This way, I could be safe from all of the shit I've been terrified of but couldn't put into words.  I have legit reasons.  I'm not going to spell it out of you, figure it out.

So I have a host of issues between my ears to fix.

And that's just so I can be moderately functional.

Then, let's add a student loan that continues to grow exponentially that I'll never be able to pay off because I can't even begin to make the bare minimum payments on, along with medical bills, and how does that picture develop for you?

This is what I see.  And I know it sucks because I can't stand it.  But it's honest.   It's a massive mountain of crap that just can't be fixed in a couple of years.  So by the time it even begins to improve, I'll be so fucking old it just won't matter.

So tell me it's worth it.  Tell me there's a reason for me to still be here or to even try to fix it.  Because I don't see one.  I don't see a single reason for me to fix anything but for that one hope, a wish, really, that somehow something magical will happen.

There are no magic beans in this world.  There is no magic.  There is nothing.  And I just can't see a happy ending here.  I see more of the same shit I've been dealing with.  To me, that's not going to be an option.  I refuse.

But that's bullshit, too.  I don't have to fix everything.  I just have to improve things, really. 

So what do I want?

I'd like to go to bed with a smile knowing I had a good day.
I'd like to have a string of days worth reliving.
I'd like to be able to wake up without feeling depression and loathing.
I'd like to feel human again.
I just want to enjoy being alive.  That's all.  Really.

Life isn't supposed to be like this.  I'm sure of it.  I've seen other people and they're much happier than I am.  Nobody else is on the edge like this.  If so, they certainly haven't been there for as long as I have.

So what am I going to do?

I once told a woman I cared about deeply, and still do, "I'm a morbidly obese drug addict.  You should run."  I really thought I was protecting her.  I wanted her to be happy and I knew I'd just fuck it all up.  It killed me to say it but I knew I had to.  I wasn't enough for her and I knew it.  I cannot bear to repeat that time in my life.  I cannot and I will not.

I recently told a woman I'm sick from withdrawals.  I didn't want anything to go anywhere between us because I cannot bear to get close only to have it fall apart again because of how I am.  It's better to end it now and protect her from me.  It's a shame, too.  I really liked her. 

I am shackled to a past I cannot run away from or ignore.  I am haunted by things that were out of my control.  And I cannot help but think this past is just going to keep repeating itself over and over again because no matter what I've done I cannot break the cycle.

It's 4am and I cannot sleep.  Again.  Always again.  I'm sick of the night.  I'm had it with the night.  I want to be a daytime person again.  I want to be with the living.  I want to be a regular guy again with a regular job in a regular boring fucking office surrounded by people I silently judge for their mediocrity.

I used to care.  That's the problem.  I used to care and that part of me still cares a bit but I've killed off so much of it with the drugs that it no longer even knows if it's alive or dead anymore.

Caring sucks.  Caring is being open to losing and I've always lost.  Caring means you allow yourself to risk getting skullfucked by fate again and again and again just like it's always been and you just can't see a way out of it because somehow you pissed off the gods and they made you their favorite chew toy.

For the past few months I have been very much aware of how everybody in my life has move on beyond where I knew them but me.  I have gone down.  They have gone up.  They have found happiness and joy and I have not.  I have been in a downward spiral I cannot seem to break out of nor do I seem to really want to because I kept one foot in the grave and the other in trying to fix things.

Always keep my options open, right?  Caring hurts.  Working hard towards something only to have it taken from you hurts.  So why care at all?  Because we have to care.  Caring is life.

But I'm not really living, am I?  Not really.  This isn't living.  My heart beats but that's about it.  It's not living.  I'm not even really alive.

This morning.  Or yesterday. I can't keep track of this shit anymore.  A friend reached her goal.  Two years ago, she began a rigid course of diet and exercise.  She was just like me.  Only without the booze, drugs, psychosis, and a few other fun things.  And this morning she told me she slept with her crush.  A major lifetime goal was achieved.  A milestone.  She did it.

And it kicked me in the head because yet another one moved on into happiness.  I knew it was coming.  I saw all the signs.  I was waiting.  Holding my breathe for that moment and sure enough there was the message waiting for me when I got online.

And I was sitting there, my heart fluttering and doing all kinds of crazy shit because I was in withdrawals.  Sweating, puking, twitching.  My head was spinning so badly I had a hard time reading much but I certainly read that message. 

I hate seeing happy people because it reminds me of what I don't have and cannot find, and what has been denied to me for many, many years.  Petty, I know, but it's honest.  Misery loves company.

I feel like I've been screaming for days.  Screaming until my lungs hurt and my voice is gone.  Screaming at the ghosts in my head that won't leave me alone and the demons I want to come back just one more time.  Lie to me, it's ok.  I'll buy into it 100% and tell myself it's all real and you really do care.  Just as long as when you're gnawing on my soul let me tell myself that I'm happy because right now I'd rather hang out with you than sit here in this empty fucking apartment another day.

I gave up years ago because I got hurt so badly I didn't think I could survive it again.  I ran away.  After college, I thought I'd cleaned up my life and did what I needed to do so this shit wouldn't happen again and it did.  It fucking did.  I lost everything again and again so I kept one eye on oblivion and waited for The End to come.  But now that I'm just a few miles from the destination people are coming out of the woodwork to tell me not to do it.

"No, Ted!  You have so much to offer and so much to give!  Life isn't like this!  Don't do it!"

Where in the fuck were those people when....

I can't see the Happy Ending everybody else does.  I just can't.  And I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.  I've seen too many of them proven to be nothing but lies and bait.  All I see around me is how happiness is for those other people and it's just too late for me.

I wonder how far gone I really am and if I can get back to any kind of life that's worth living.  I don't see it but people tell me they do.  I have to wonder if they're telling me this because they just don't know what else to say.

I have to make a choice soon because I can't keep doing this.  I can't.  My head is unraveling and there's not much left of me.  I feel like a different person than I was a year ago.  I changed.

I'm going to see my medical person on my birthday.   There's a certain symmetry to that.  We're going to do a blood workup and check things out.  My legs are far less swollen than they were a month ago and the ulcers that were oozing puss on them have all healed.  My pants are looser around my midsection when I'm not bloated and constipated from the drugs.  I can walk further than before.  I can walk longer than before.  I can do things I couldn't do 7 weeks ago.  It means nothing to me.  Nothing.

That bothers me.  An achievement I can quantify easily and it means nothing to me.  Why not?  Why is it so meaningless?  Because I know that it's just window dressing for the real problems and I just don't know how to fix those.

This plane is running out of fuel.  I need to make a choice.  Do I glide or eject?
 

Abandonment and the Succubus

You can't think your way into right acting but you can act your way into right thinking.

Somebody told me that many years ago.  It made sense.  I guess that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm confused.

I have so much happening at once and I'm confused.

Yesterday was my daughter's 17th birthday.  I didn't handle it well.  I'm sure at once point I was crying so hard my neighbors heard me.  But thankfully, I had to work for most of the day, which helped take my mind off of how horrible I felt.  The guilt, the hurt, the pain.

I struggled to get through the day and by the end of the night, I was okay.  But then the physical stuff started.  That made for a rough night but I was able to sleep.

I woke up sick and in withdrawals from something I've been trying to shake.  Withdrawals suck.  Hot and sweaty, vomiting, cramping, shaking.  Oh joy.

But, I kept with my diet.  I stayed on track.  I didn't get into the carbs and eat a bunch of crap.  Well, of course, I couldn't really eat anyways.  I was just too sick to eat.

And then there's the spiritual side of things.

Something bad happened many years ago and left me feeling incomplete and damaged.  I never recovered.  I realize now that I need to find a shaman to do a soul retrieval.  A piece of me was taken and I want it back.

It's time to heal.  It's time to recover.

So, I'm struggling.  I'm writing as I can.  I'm doing everything as I can.  Yoga, meditation, eating right.  All as I can.

And I feel like I'm being turned inside-out.  All the while I'm wondering if this is worth it.  I'm wondering if there's anything worth it at the end of this journey.  Or will I be the happiest guy to die alone in his apartment full of books?

This week, I was reminded just how little I meant to someone I cared about deeply and in many ways still do.  But I didn't mean nearly as much to them as I'd hoped.  That sucked.

It all sucks.  And it reminded me that I've spent most of this lifetime by myself and on my own.  I've got a friend who sends me nude pictures of herself and that reminds me of just how far removed I am from life.  From love.  From everything.  And I can't run and dive into to a list of substances to deal with it and I have no idea what to do about that.

I feel terrible and I don't know what to do.  I just don't.

People are sending me videos and memes about how I should "just be happy" and "live life" and "take life by the balls."  It just depresses me further because I've tried.

I can't fix things.  I just can't.  I've been trying and it's all broken.  It's all a mess.  And I have no reason to think it's worth fixing in the first place because it never was that good.  I've always been alone and I've always been miserable.  Fixing things isn't going to help.

I'm trapped.  I'm so trapped.  I'm trapped in a cycle I can't break and I'm trapped in a situation I can't escape.  And there's no way out for me.  There's no way to fix any of this.

But I'm trying.  I'm trying to do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I began watching the tv series The Exorcist.  I fell in love with it instantly.  There's a dark entity they only call The Salesman.  In it, he approaches a girl, and befriends her.  He listens to her and helps her when she needs it.  There's a scene that was so beautiful it almost made me cry.

In that scene, the girl is sitting outside after a rough day.  The Salesman walked up and says, "why the long face?"  She says it's been a bad day and he sits down next to her and says, "Tell me everything."  She puts her head on his shoulder and begins to vent about how awful the day was and he just listens.  Her father looks out the window.  He sees his daughter talking to nobody and her head tilted at a strange angle.  Nobody is there.

I've experienced that.  I've had an entity listen and be there for me when nobody else was.  They made me feel special when I knew I wasn't.  They cared about me when nobody else gave a shit.  And I didn't have to pretend that nothing was wrong because they already knew and loved me anyways.  I didn't have to be ashamed of what happened to me when I was a child. They gave me strength when I felt incredibly weak and afraid.  They were there for me.

That went on for four months.  But in the end, I was left broken, and incomplete.  Now I need a shaman to help me get put back together.

I miss that experience.  I miss that entity.  I miss how it made me feel and how it cared about me.  I miss how it never made me feel alone.  I felt a connection to someone and they cared about me.

But I can't go back and I'm fairly certain there is no going back.

It was a Succubus.  It fits the profile.  And she got me good.  In fact, I'm fairly certain she took a good chunk of me with her.  That's what they do.  They find somebody with power and strength and they feed, taking a piece with them when they go. 

This is why I'm looking for a shaman to help me.  We need to do a soul retrieval.

Tonight, I made contact with someone who has had a similar experience and they've been able to provide some wonderful advice and sources for information.

I'm fighting this.  I'm fighting the good fight.  My head is aching from everything and I'm out of aspirin and ibuprofen, but that's ok.  I'm dealing with that.

Tonight, a friend told that she couldn't have handled what I've been through.  The stuff from my childhood, the other things.  Others have told me that before, too.  I don't feel strong.  I feel beaten down and shredded.  And I don't know how I've survived this long.

But I'm fighting this.  I know the entity I dealt with all those years ago got me good.  She took something from me and ever since I've been incomplete and broken.  I think I can get it back.

I've been reading about soul retrievals and it's possible.  This fucking bitch has been feeding off me for long enough and it's time to get what's mine back.  Or more likely, she took what I freely gave her, and lived on it.  As for the piece of my soul that's missing, from what I've read, it should come back to me with the soul retrieval.  It might take a few sessions but it can be done.

A few months back, a woman I cared about deeply commented that I was nut.  It cut me to the bone.  But I get it.  If you haven't experienced this shit before then you can't possible have any idea what it's like.  Paranormal attacks aren't like anything else.  They don't leave scars, they don't leave marks.  Just they leave you deeply wounded with injuries that never fully heal.  Injuries nobody can see. 

This story isn't done.  Not by a long shot.  And in a way, I feel very positive that I have a direction and a course of action.  I have a list of names.  I have some meditation techniques.  I'm not alone.  Not really. 

I have friends.  And there are people out there who have experienced what I've experienced.  Some are lending their experience, strength, and hope with me.  This isn't done.  I'm not done.