Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Die, Jar-Jar! Die!

What character in all of Star Wars is the most hated?  

Most will shout, "Jar Jar Binks" at the top of their lungs.  And they would be right, because Jar Jar Binks is without a doubt the shittiest character to ever be in any Star Wars film.  

He destroyed The Phantom Menace.  He destroyed the following two films as well.  Jar Jar Binks was sand rubbed into the eyes of the Star Wars faithful.  Just to hear his ignorant sayings and verbage was an assault on our senses.  

If you ever want to annoy somebody into punching you, speak to them in Jar Jar's voice, using his phrasing.  

"Meesa be wantin' da double cheeseburger, with some of dat bomb-bad Mt. Dew, okee-day!"  

Fuck!  Just writing that makes me want to stab a kitten with a spork.  

George Lucas needs to go back and edit out Jar Jar but he can't because he made his idiotic bumbling so intrinsic to the plot.  We're stuck with Jar Jar Binks.  

So as compensation for having to endure three movies and countless Clone Wars episodes featuring him, we fans deserve something in return--we deserve to see the death of Jar Jar.  

Not a reference.  No, sir!  Not some off-handed comment by Rey when reading a tablet, "Oh, look!  It says here that after the passing of Ambassador Jar Jar Binks, the key to the plot was taken to another silly-named planet."  


We deserve some kind of flashback or a holographic projection from a historical document where we get to see the brutal and savage execution of Jar Jar Binks while he screams in agony and is torn apart limb from limb.  

Jar Jar Binks must fucking die and we fans deserve to watch it all happen.  

That stupid walk of his, the way he stuffed his face with that long frog-like tongue, the way he tripped and fell over his own goddamned feet while somehow saving Anakin and Obi-Wan from death, those stupid long ears that looked like a jackrabbit after doing bong hits--he needs to fucking die in front of us.  

Jar Jar needs to be devoured by a pack of hungry rathtars who throw him around while he makes those insipid noises he always makes when he does something clumsy.  

"Meesa muy-muy dyin' from blood loss!"  

The rathtars can use their tentacles to rip his arms and legs off while he screams and shouts for Anakin to come save him only for us to hear Darth Vader's breathing in the background as Lord Vader watches in amusement.  Then, we hear him say, "It is done."  


We fans will continue to suffer the legacy of Jar Jar Binks for decades to come until we know for sure he's dead and won't come back.  We need to know the shitheads writing the script don't suddenly decide Gungans can live for hundreds of years like Yoda because they'll do shit like that if you don't nip it in the bud right away.  Writers can be real assholes sometimes.  

Worse, Jar Jar Binks is like the protoplasm of bad writing, so if they're in a hole of some kind, the temptation to suddenly bring in Jar Jar to get people out of a jam is too great.  

"You mean I can bring in some bumbling fucktard to trip and fall like a buffoon and still help the dozen or so heroes escape from prison?  Well shit, let's do it!"  

Steven Moffat, I'm going to piss on your grave after you finally die.  But I digress...

Jar Jar cannot be erased.  He can't be edited out.  He must be killed.  Horribly, painfully, and with finality.  

We fans deserve this.  We demand it.  And dammit, it needs to be added to the next script!  What's thirty seconds of death in a movie that is promised to be dark and bloody?  We've got stormtroopers than can actually aim and hit something--let's use one of them!  

Or better yet--Chewbacca went to marksmanship training and figured out how to hit the fucking bullseye.  Let's let Chewy nuke the annoying Gungan.  

Or even better still--Leia kills him because he's fucking up an op and she can't stand to watch it anymore.  He's giving away their position with all of that buffoonery and she gets fed up so she blasts him in the back of the head twice and we all get on with our lives.  

Or the Emperor does it himself.  He invites Jar Jar to a meeting where he uses his electric force-shocks to fry Jar Jar Binks into bacon while laughing and shouting, "Die, Jar Jar!  Die!"  

There are so many ways for Jar Jar to die and we deserve just one of them.  Just one.  

It's time for us fans to stand up for our canon.  Star Wars belongs to us.  We've spent enough of our time and money keeping it alive and it's about time we had some kind of reward.  Forget action figures we have to shell money out to buy or some licensed Official Merchandise.  It's time the writing reflected our love of the Star Wars universe.  

It's not about anger and rage, or even hatred.  It's about fucking respect.  When a writer gives us a shitty character like Jar Jar Binks, they don't respect us, and they sure as fuck don't care.  We do, though.  We care a lot.  And it's time they showed us fans a little respect.  

I hope you all share this.  Pass it around.  Let's get Jar Jar's head rolling so we'll finally get some kind of closure on having to suffer through the worst character ever created.  



  1. Well, the next best thing is the Jar-Jar in carbinite. They made a figure and everything.