Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Rumor Mill at Work

I work in an interesting place full of unusual people.  And let me tell you, if I'm calling them unusual, you can take that to the bank. 

Like every workplace, we have a lot of rumors flying about, and it can get pretty fast and furious at times.  Plus, it's a bit of a meat market and hook-ups are pretty common, so it can get crazy sometimes. 

I keep waiting for rumors about me and they just don't crop up.  I keep trying, too. 

It's a well-known fact that the drinking water at work will get a woman knocked-up.  Usually within a few weeks of working there a woman can expect to get pregnant.  It's worse than The Today Show. 

So, a few months back, a girl at work got her token baby as a sign of her employment.  Despite everybody knowing who her boyfriend was, the rumors flew as to who really was the father.  She was telling me all about it. 

"So yeah," she said.  "Apparently some people think so-and-so is my baby's daddy." 


"Yup.  There was a whole list of guys on there."  She proceeded to list off a bunch of totally improbable names. 

"Me too?" 


"Was I on the list, too?"  I smiled at her and fixed my hair. 

"No," she said apologetically.  "Sorry." 

"But we've had lunch together!  We've been seen talking!" 

"Nope," she said.  "Your name never came up." 

"Dammit!"  I was hurt.  I wanted to be on the list of imaginary potential baby-daddies with the rest of the improbably names.  Sure, we all knew who the real father was, that's not the point.  The rumor mill wasn't about fact, it was about potential.  And nobody thought we potentially fooled around.  I was disheartened. 

To correct this, I enlisted the help of some friends.  We were going to start a rumor about myself to get the dialogue going.  Hushed, whispered conversations in the bathroom about who I might be sleeping with and who is carrying my baby. 

What they came up with was this:  I live with a midget and cook meth. 

I know, I know.  But it was the best they could come up with and I know they really tried.  Bless their hearts, they tried. 

That rumor never really panned out.  I even tried to find a little person to move in with me.  That didn't go so well after one responded to my Craigslist post with a naked picture of himself wearing a leather mask and chaps and holding a can of spray cheese.  He had written "OBEY ME" in cheese on his chest.  I was tempted to reply to him just so I could ask where a person could find ass-less leather chaps in little person sizes but that would have opened a dialogue I just wasn't mentally prepared to have. 

About two years ago, I overheard a table of very young and very pregnant girls discussing how they didn't know who their fathers were and so it was okay for their babies not to know.  I was tempted to volunteer my services because having a small group of women knocked up would totally add to my street cred.  Then somebody would actually believe I was gettin' some so my name would come up in these juicy rumors and I wouldn't feel so left-out. 

I would have called them Ted's Breeders.  I would have gotten them t-shirts that had an arrow pointing down and lettering that read, "Ted-Spawn" or "Future Anti-Christ".  Then I would have taken a picture of us all together and sent it out on Christmas Cards. 

So no, there haven't been any rumors, yet.  I'm still working on it.  One of these days I'll have a rumor about me and that'll let me know people think I could be doing something fun and interesting.  I'm thinking that a rumor about me winning the lottery but working my job anyways so I can "keep it real" would be best.  That way I'll get the gold-diggers hitting on me and that will help start other rumors. 

Or I could go the other way.  I've been meaning to slam my boss's door and storm out crying while the entire workplace watches and tries to figure out what happened.  And he would totally love it if I did that.  I mean, I'm his favorite employee, and all. 

Should I wear a bit of eye make-up so it runs and really looks like I'm crying my eyes out?