Sunday, April 6, 2014

Why I Hate The Walking Dead (in animo scelus)

I love bad guys.  Probably more than I should, really.

Many times I have lamented that woman prefer bad boys with their tattoos, motorcycles and whatnot.  But they don't want really bad boys.  Those guys are just posers.  Pretenders.  Give a woman the severed head of her boss, or a piece of gold jewelry with her rival's blood still on it, or a video of an abusive ex-boyfriend being tortured to death and suddenly she's screaming and calling you crazy.

Women are so weird!  

But who doesn't like a bad guy?  A real one.

I remember going to the theater to watch Basic Instinct when it first came out.  The whole place was full of yuppies but for myself and a couple of friends.  Remember the opening scene?  It's a sex scene.  The woman is on top and suddenly she pulls out an ice pick and goes to town.  I laughed my head off because it was a great kill scene.  Apparently it bothered other people in the theater though.  They kept looking at me and whispering to each other.

Bad guys teach us things.  I've learned so much from Hannibal Lector about life, cooking and taste.  I even had his lines memorized for a while.

I think this is why I hate The Walking Dead so much.  Granted, I watch it almost every weekend.  But I hate it, too.

Each character there annoys the shit out of me.  They make horrible choices and do stupid things.  That whole arc about The Governor wouldn't have happened in my reality.  He would have died as quickly as possible.

But there is one good thing to have come out of that show--it started a national dialogue about what we should do in case of a zombie outbreak.  All around the watercoolers, at the bars and online, people have compared notes regarding how they would survive the zombies.  Granted, I'm in Wisconsin instead of Georgia, so all I need to do is wait for winter to freeze them in their tracks.

The entire debate on weaponry was solved by watching TWD.  We now all understand how important a sword can be.  Personally, I'd use a bar mace, but that's me.  With a mace, you don't have to sharpen it and if it's the type that has a chain, once you get momentum going you can mow through a whole group of zombies.

But I still cheer for the zombies.  Carl pisses me off.  Daryl might be a bad-ass but let's face it--he was poor white trash before the zombies and is still pretty ignorant.  All these woman who love Daryl crack me up because you know damned well if they met somebody like him they'd reject him outright.

 Did I mention I hate Carl?  A lot?  Seriously.  I can't stand that kid.  I hope they eat him first. 

One of my favorite bad guys of all time is Pinhead.  He had some of the best lines ever.  Doug Bradley brought that character to life in such a way, nobody else could do it.

And who doesn't like Crowley on Supernatural

Personally, Crowley is the main reason I keep watching that show.  While it has pretty much jumped the shark, Crowley's scenes keep getting better and better.  The actor who plays him is doing an amazing job.  I laugh and cheer every time he does something evil.  And once again, he has the best lines. 

Finally, I'm currently watching The Following.  Sure, I love Joe Carroll, I would totally love to be one of his cult members.  But I'm totally in love with Emma. And a few of the other crazy women they've had on that show.  Beautiful, crazy and willing to get bloody--I should put that on a Craigslist ad in the personals.

This brings me to the real reason we watch these shows.  The bad guys have the best lines because we all want to be the bad guys.  We want to get away with it.  We want to go on a rampage and not have to worry about the messy business of getting caught, going to jail or being gunned down by a hero.  It's the character that makes the difference.  Even when they're covered in blood, they can make us laugh or teach us a valuable lesson about life.

It's good to be bad. 

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