Saturday, October 26, 2013

Open Letter to My Boss

Dear Boss,

I know that you have been feeling down with the recent health issues as of late. I feel terrible about it and wanted to help. So, I've taken it upon myself to help you run the company, even though you've put somebody else in charge of it. But let's face it, he can't be there all the time and I work nights, so that leaves me with lots of time to be you.

Not that I wanted to be you, I just wanted to do you a favor and help you out. Plus, I don't want you to return to work too early, so I figured that I would let you see how we don't really need you around that badly. Sure, we miss you, but we can survive while you get better.

Yes, I did pretend to be you a few times.

Now don't worry, Boss--I do a great impression of you on the phones. Just ask anybody. During the conference call with the client last week, I made sure to let them know how badly we need changes and how they weren't paying us enough. He made some threats about the upcoming contract and I told him he's a moron. I figure I'll play hardball for you until he comes back, then you can deal with him.

Oh, and tell him I (you) had no idea his mother was from Guatemala when I (you) made those comments. I'm sure he'll remember them clearly the next time you talk to him.

I've also increased employee happiness and job satisfaction. Remember those ugly support posts in the center of the call floor? I turned one into a brass pole with a little stage. During breaks employees are encourage to use them to relax. This didn't go so well at first but then I (or You, rather) instituited Drinking n' Dialing Sunday and instantly that pole was a huge hit.

We used to have problems getting people to come in on Sunday. Last Sunday about 80 people showed up, which is a record for Veridian Dynamics. Remember that runty little high school girl you hired, the one with short hair? Josey? Well, you'd be amazed at how much tequila that little thing can hold. I'm pretty sure by the end of the day we doubled her weight. Her calls were pretty happy, too. I think she sold a car, a house in Florida, a couple of bunny rabbits and an old dirt bike. I know we're supposed to sell cable bundles, but a sale is a sale, right?

The cops showed up when somebody drove by and saw a bunch of naked people running around. I thought we were screwed but it turns out Wisconsin has this law that states if you are working and drinking, it's okay to be underage. They just can't drive afterwards.

Oh, and I (You) made Sundays a Clothing-Optional Day because it was heading in that direction anyways. Just remember, if you come in Monday morning don't light a match.

The pole was such a hit, we raised over $2000 dolars for a charity. The bad news is some of the female agents realized they were grossly underpaid and left to pursue other opportunities.

But things are running very well. We were having a problem with one of the campaigns underperforming so I (You, actually) came up with the Pinata Award. The lowest performer in the campaign gets strung up by their heels and we beat them until the candy comes out. Problem solved. But we had to let go of Shandy because it was impossible to understand her with a broken jaw. I'm sure she'll be back when the doctors take the wires off.

We repainted the walls, too. Instead of the Kindergarten colors of before, we painted them in Packer Navy Blue and Orange, just like you like it. As a Packer fan, I'm sure you'll feel right at home.

People have been asking a lot of deeply personal questions about the nature of your illness, so to protect your privacy and dignity, I've been telling everybody you have Syphillis. When they ask why your arm is in a cast, I tell them you've been reaching for the stars and just leave it at that.

Oh, and I (you) turned that cluttered storage room into a Smoosh/Smoke Room. It was a lot of fun until I realized a few people would never leave. My (your) solution was to put a camera up with a live web connection. This way, people pay to log in and we make money while employees do their business on breaks. You'd be amazed at how full that room gets during lunchtime. The added bonus for us is that we've made over $30K in subscriptions. Google "Breakroom Lovin'" and you'll find the link.

Since you haven't been using your office, I've been putting it to good use myself. It was great for taking pictures for my calendar, 12 Months of Ted. You might laugh, but morbidly obese erotica is a fast-growing market, and I might sell a couple dozen. I'll be certain to get you a free one, too.

I (you) have been hiring people. You recently hired somebody who needed a chance. Fox News called him The Horse Lover. He is sueing them right now because the horse in question was dead and therefore didn't violate any laws. Also, if they curse on the phone because of Tourettes Syndrome, that doesn't violate company policies about call quality. So when Sandy begins shouting into the phone, ignore it. That's the polite thing to do, anyways. We all laugh when she's not looking.

I (you) also designed a special project for Jenna and I to work together on. It's been tough because every time I get close to her she gets that wild look in her eyes like she knows she needs to run or stab me. I think she's still pissed off and irritated at me about the whole "stalking" mistake. I wasn't stalking her, I was looking for mushrooms and happened to stumble upon her sunbathing. The reason I was there for hours was because I was waiting for a certain mushroom to finish growing. Everybody knows I'm a shroomologist. And that time she found me on her farm at night, I wasn't looking in her windows, my dog Sven ran away and I was chasing him down. I miss that dog.

So yeah, she and I are in a deeply committed relationship only she doesn't know about it yet. She will, I'm sure.

Because your email pile was getting big, I logged into your account and began to reply to a few of them. Things got personal so I (you) started flirting with a few of them on your behalf. It's going well with a couple of them. One got kinda butthurt about my (your) comment on how her body reminded you of a VW Beetle. I (you) smoothed it over with an expensive gift from Victoria's Secret. Money was no object because I (you) used the company accounts.

But the relationships that have gone well have really gone well. Don't be surprised if when you do come back several women approach you with all kinds of offers. And a couple of guys. I mean, they were intriguiged by your need to experiment.

All said, Boss, you really don't need to hurry back. I got this. Besides, I want you take your time and heal with your family. You don't need to hurry back for my sake. And I'm positive I'm speaking for many when I say we'd all prefer to know you're taking care of yourself first instead of us at Veridian Dynamics.

Your Favorite Employee,

Uncle Ted



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