Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Help Wanted: Inquire Within

I need a stalker. 

Everybody else seems to have one and I'm jealous.  I've never had a stalker before. 

I personally don't do stalking, per se.  I mean, others might call it stalking but I call it Intense Personal Research.  You know, two people go out for a walk but only one of them knows about it?  I haven't done it for a very long time because it got boring. 

Why watch somebody enjoy life more without you than with you? 

But I'm jealous of guys who have had female stalkers.  To me, that's just intense love.  It's romantic.  A woman looking through your mailbox when you're at work isn't creepy.  That just tells me she wants to make sure I don't get junkmail. 

I find the idea of a female stalker touching.  It's a gesture of love and affection. 

I used worked with a guy who was being stalking by an ex girlfriend.  She once greeted him as he left his house to go to work and laid down on his driveway so he couldn't drive away.  How cool is that?  It's creative, dedicated and really shows her level of commitment. 

You just can't buy that kind of work ethic these days, either.  In a world where sex is so easy to find, true love becomes more illusive.  And what proclaims love louder than cutting your man's name into your own arm with a razor blade?  Nothing! 

I offered to be a stalker for a friend of mine once.  She had one previously but it just didn't work out so she kicked him to the curb.  She was stalker-less.

So I offered my services.  You know, just to keep things lively and to avoid stagnation.  She was nervous enough as it was, being stalker-less is scary sometimes, so I outlined my full-on Deluxe Headcase-Off-His-Meds Package.

First, I would do the usual online cozying up.  You know, follow every post she made, like it and comment about how great she was, etc.   I would make sure to use statements like, "Wow!  You're the smartest person online!" and basically go nuts every time she made a post. 

Next, I would make sure to send rambling private messages and e-mails.  These would also include links to badly written poetry I posted on wasteland forums that vaguely referenced my affections for her.  Plus, I would make sure to include links to romantic music where all videos seemed to end in the couple dying. 

After that, I would begin sending her all kinds of weirdness.  Pictures of kittens in cages, recipes with bizarre ingredients like sauerkraut and grape jelly combined with boiled eggs.  I would insist she make it and try it with hourly PM's while asking for her phone number. 

The best is when you find out where they work without them telling you, then you send them roses.  That just puts the cherry on the whole thing, really.  It's the little details like that that make Intense Personal Research such a rewarding hobby. 

Anyways, after fully laying out the plan, she politely declined and said she was good for now.  Also, just in case I missed it, she got a restraining order.   Those silly pieces of paper!  I always have a good laugh with the cops when they bring one over.

So, yes!  I need a stalker.  An Intense Personal Researcher.  Someone who will watch me closely and make awkward attempts at getting close to me.  The job doesn't pay, but I'm sure we'll work something out later on.  *wink-wink*

You'll have to hurry.  There is a prowler/peeping tom running around my small town currently.  My neighbors have seen him/her and I heard them outside my window the other night.  If that person is reading this, let me be the first to say, "Thank You!"  You know, it's not often you'll find somebody who likes to look into an apartment at 2 am and watch a fat guy in his fudgies read a book, but you sure did it.  And for that, I'm flattered. 

There's no such thing as mind bleach and if you like that sort of thing, then Gods bless you!  I'm humbled.

No, really.  I am.  I know that in today's society there are tons of exhibitionists out there and of all of them, you chose to watch a fat guy in his underwear read a book.  A good book, actually.  Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs.   I'll be reviewing this book on this very website soon enough. 

In fact, the book was so good, I didn't notice you right away.  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.  But I'll be sitting around in my chonies again tonight while I finish this book.  If you're there, lemme know and I'll do some poses for you. 


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