I have a number of short stories, novellas, and novels in various states of completion. My hard drive is full of them. Some are good projects that need attention while others were half-baked ideas that never really amounted to anything.
I always imagine my main characters (MC's) just standing around when I'm not working on their story, smoking cigarettes, and looking cool, while chatting with each other. I wonder if they get lonely and worry if I'll come back. Do they feel abandoned?
I have horrible abandonment issues. I freak out when people leave me. Knowing I'm doing that to another person, even fictional ones, bothers me. But then I have to remember not everybody is like me. I'm broken.
Do my MC's think of me as a burden? Do they think of me as a chore they have to deal with in their routine?
"Let's see--I've got to do the laundry, feed the dog, and aw, shit! I need to be in Ted's story."
Lately I've become very much aware of just how people see me in their lives. What role do I play? Do they think of me when I'm not around? Am I the butt of their jokes? When they see me, do they think, "Aw shit! Here comes this asshole. God, I hate this guy! He's so weird!"
I'd rather know people are using me for free ice cream than to think I'm a seen as a chore on their list of things to do. Is there anything more heartbreaking than to know the only reason somebody keeps you in their lives is because they feel a sense of duty or obligation? Not so much that they owe you but they're a kind person with a good heart and they don't want to be mean, so they are kind to you while scrambling for a way to get away from you.
It's embarrassing and humiliating. Knowing you are a chore or a duty to somebody shatters your heart. It's worse than pity, in my opinion, because pity comes from a place of care and empathy.
Is that how my MC's see me?
Or do they see the nose-dive I'm in, and how despite my efforts the monkeys on my back make pulling up and out of it almost impossible, and think to themselves how they'll be free of me soon? It's a ghoulish thought, I know, but my MC's are human (mostly) and without me demanding things from them or constantly needing interaction from them, they would truly be free. No Ted to drag them down or take up their time.
Or is it the other way? Do they get mad on those bad nights when I'm on the edge and I'm writing letters to nobody in particular while looking at my pistol every few minutes? Do they say things like, "Don't you die on me, fucker. I need you to finish this story so my destiny will be complete. I need you to finish my fate so I can live happily ever after."
I should note at this time that none of my characters ever live happily ever after. I figure if that's impossible for me, then it's impossible for them. They're going to die alone just like me.
But I've lied to a bunch of them and told them it's possible. My MC's totally believe the Happily Ever After ending is possible and if they just do as I say and jump through the hoops I've laid out for them, then they'll be able to ride off into the sunset with somebody who actually wants to be with them and isn't thinking how it's a chore to hang around.
Every once in a while, I'll get an MC who develops faster and in more detail than the others, and they begin to call audibles. Instead of going to visit their friend the gun dealer, they go to visit a priest, and ask for absolution. Instead of listening to good music in their cars, they listen to Taylor Swift, and sing along with the radio. Instead of being a foodie, they're a picky eater who lives on fast food and cheap beer.
These small ripples turn into tsunamis later on. Subtle changes in an MC in the first chapter create destiny by the fourth act. That means the whole thing needs to get re-written and switched around. And most MC's will be defiant about it.
"Hey! Look, I'm a real person! And I honestly think having me tell the story would be better than somebody else."
Bob looked up with defiance, his arms crossed over his chest, and chin jutting out.
"Defiance? I'm helping you! I'm just trying to help you write something good instead of that schlocky bullshit you usually shovel."
Bob whined like a little toddler who wanted a cookie or needed a nap.
"I'm not whining, you asshole!"
Bob threw his nookie down on the ground and began screaming as he threw a tantrum.
"Oh. My. God. You can't be serious! I'm not throwing a tantrum. I'm saying that I can tell a story better than you can and you don't like it."
But what Bob didn't know was that he was standing on top of a nest of hornets.
"Hey, man! No need for that kind of stuff. We're just talking here, okay?"
And these weren't just ordinary hornets. These were Japanese hornets, known for their painful and sometimes deadly stings.
"Okay, maybe I was a bit rude back there, and maybe I said some things I shouldn't have. I'll admit that sometimes I can get a bit emotional."
The hornets were asleep for now but Bob's whining was beginning to stir them and any more sound would be enough to wake them into a fury as they defended their nest from an intruder.
"I'm sorry! I just wanted some closure is all."
Bob looked around at his options, wondering what's next, and if there was going to be a future.
"It's just that you don't do closure for your characters, and I could really use some. That's all."
What Bob didn't realize was closure is for television shows and novels. Bob, the poor, unfortunate bastard, was in a short story connected to a series of novels. There would be no closure. Not for him, anyways.
"But the people in my life..."
Bob thought about his life, and the people in it, and he realized he wanted them to be happy more than he wanted to be right. Or find peace.
"I don't get any closure, do I?"
Bob slowly walked away while fishing in his pockets. There, he kept a couple of pills tucked away. Three, to be exact, and he knew they would make this moment less painful. He swallowed all three at once, and washed them down with some Mt. Dew. He doesn't curse, he doesn't cry, he doesn't say a word. He thinks about tomorrow, and how it doesn't look much better, but really all he wants is today to just disappear.
Sometimes, our characters get out of hand, and you need to wrangle them back under control. Some people talk about how our characters belong to us so we may torment them. I don't believe in that. I hate tormenting people. Contrary to what you might think, I'm a very kind man, and never want to make anybody feel worse than what I've been through. Even if they are fictional.
My characters work through stuff. They endure. They survive up until the end when they die because that's what we all do, eventually, and I want them to go up until their Fate.
I think they hate me. On some level, I think they really hate me. None of them ever get laid, they're alone, and usually I take everything away from them that they've ever had. But we write what we know, right?
I've tried being nice to my MC's. I really did. And let me tell you, they were happy bastards when they found out. They were cracking jokes and making even me laugh. They were the life of the party.
And then it came time to actually put them through their paces of being happy. It was time for them to find love, to enjoy life, and all of that happy shit. And I just couldn't do it.
I tried. I really did. But in the end I just couldn't do it. I became jealous and started to look at my own life, and the things I've done, and want to do, and it just became a mess. I became too depressed to continue and those stories all languish unfinished on my hard drive.
Unless I decide to drag them into my world and unleash monsters, demons, meth addicts, crackheads, and voodoo priests. If they're miserable, I'm comfortable. I don't say that in a sadistic sort of way, even though it sounds like that, but I just haven't grasped what it's like to write characters who are happier than myself.
And that's why I think they hate me.
I'm working on new story. A deeply flawed character and I'm not so sure what I'm going to do with him. The more I write him, the more he becomes me, and that means I need to develop him. It means I need to do for him what I need to do for myself. And that's a shitty, shitty road.
Plus, I'm obstinate, and I don't change very easily. I wish change was easy for me because it would make things much better in my life.
So this is why my MC's are always a certain way. I have a very hard time writing characters who aren't deeply flawed, depressed, and static. It makes for a very difficult character ARC to write. It's like pounding steel or sculpting water.
This character I'm writing currently is going to realize he belongs where he is and that's his home despite how badly he hates it. He will remain deeply flawed. He has much farther to go before he reaches bottom and that might prove to be just as difficult to write as making him out to be happy. As for right now, he isn't going to get a Happily Ever After. I just can't bring myself to write those.
I mean, if I don't get one, why should anybody else?
