I know that I've been saying some crazy things lately. And I know that I've sounded suicidal and at times delusional. Please understand that I'm neither of those things. It's just that my perspective on things is deeply spiritual and things are going on right now that are powerful.
This is going to sound like more of those posts but I need you, Dear Reader, to please stick with me here.
This is important.
I was in my kitchen, getting sicker by the minute, the withdrawals building in intensity. And my mind was filled with the realization of light and rebirth. The Phoenix.
I'm a Scorpio. We are represented by three symbols: the scorpion, the eagle, and the phoenix. We're dark, sure. The darkest of the dark. Why? Because we look in the shadows without fear.
This is important. The phoenix periodically dies and is reborn from their own ashes, burning brightly and flying high. Darkness that once consumed it cast aside and put in the past. It's about healing and rebirth.
So, I was in my kitchen. I was anxious and nervous. I was upset. And then I wasn't. It left me and I finally saw what was happening to me. I realized the path I was on was all part of the fate I was so determined to understand. And dreaded.
In my kitchen, at that moment, I suddenly realized I was dying a spiritual death and that it was going to be okay. This is how it is supposed to be.
What does a "spiritual death" mean?
I've alluded to a lot of things in the past. It's really been a problem for me. I doubt anybody has ruminated and dwelled on their own past nearly as much as I have in the last year. It's just not a healthy thing for a human to do. So why did I do it?
I think part of me is still kicking myself for things I somehow believe I could have changed. I'm hard on myself. Brutal and unforgiving, really. I blame myself for the loss of my family. I blame myself for a lot of the abuse I endured as a child. Worse, I blame myself for what my mom and sister dealt with from my dad, and how it's my fault because I didn't do enough to protect them.
There are other things I carry with the same perspective and it's just not fair or logical. All of that needs to end. It's killing me.
There's a long list of things like that. Twisted thinking hammered into deformity from years of improper coping skills. It's difficult for me to allow myself to say, "I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time."
And I don't let things go very easily.
A shaman's death is when you confront those demons. You cut off the baggage weighing you down and change the cycle you are stuck repeating over and over.
A part of you dies.
That sounds melodramatic until you've experienced it. It's serious business because a radical change takes place. It shreds the mind and breaks the heart while pushing your body to the its limits. It's not pretty to watch, either.
Standing there, in my kitchen, shaking and sweating from the hot flashes that come on suddenly, I could see what this road was as if a heavy fog suddenly dissipated.
Some cultures have rituals for this. Various Native American tribes had rituals and rites of passage that were all part of a shamanic death. It's one of those commonalities that appear again and again worldwide. Let's face it, the story of Jesus Christ in the New Testament is a literal Shamanic Death, where he suffers, dies, is buried, and he rises from the grave anew.
I'm not saying I'm Jesus or anything insane like that. I'm saying that the theme of shamanic death is a common one.
A friend sent me this video today. This describes pretty much exactly what I'm going through right now. It's just another interpretation of what a shamanic death means through the lens of another culture. I found the video to be incredible in how accurate it was in describing the earlier stages.
She pointed out that this was triggered by the eclipse we had this summer. They're powerful and will move all kinds of things in our lives. And I'm so grateful for this.
I asked the Powers That Be in the universe for help. Shit was bad and I needed help. In the past month or so, people have come out of the woodwork into my life with various experiences that were all similar to my own. Instead of me telling an insane story nobody believes, I have a shared experience with somebody who went through it, too. That alone is more powerful than any medication.
I have a medical professional I completely trust and know I can rely upon. That's not very common, either.
I have friends who want me to be here tomorrow.
And today, for the first time in an incredibly long time, I saw where this road could really lead me. I saw, for the first time, just what others meant when they told me I could do anything I wanted. And for the first time ever, I envisioned in my mind just what I could become as a person. I saw this without remorse and envy. I saw this without anger or sadness.
Today I realized that I can be what and who I really am through a process of dying and being born again.
But this was all the easy part. The hard part is coming soon. In a few days, under medical supervision, I will begin the painful and horrific rite of passage that will lead to me being off the substance I'm addicted to forever. It's finally going to happen. My medical professional and I had a gameplan to slowly taper off over the course of months due to the high dosages I'm accustomed to but because of a series of circumstances things have to happen now.
I can do this. I can do it and I'll be healthier because of it. And if I lie to myself enough about wanting to do it, I might actually believe it. Because right now I'm terrified.
Today I went for a short walk before work. I moved better than I have in almost three years. Faster and without pain in my hips or knees. It's because of the weight I've lost thus far. I don't know how much but I know I've lost a bunch. I don't like mentioning it because I feel like the slow kid who got an award from the teacher for not shitting his pants in class that day.
The transformation has already started. The hard part is coming in the next few days. I have my friends and professionals ready to go. Now all I have to do is submit to death.
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