That Which Calls to Me

The spirits kept me up last night.  

Every time I started to nod off, something would make noise.  A spoon hit against a dish in my sink.  Something tapped against the cardboard box in front of my closed closet.  I could hear the sound of garments rustling as people walked behind me, but no footsteps.  

They kept me up all night long.  Every time I started to nod off, something would knock, or clang, or bang.  

While sitting at my computer in the middle of the night, I heard something next to me sigh.  There was nobody there.  

This is the first time in months I've had any kind of activity and while I'm very happy to have my friends back, they really need to talk to me once again instead of playing these games.  I have questions.  

Maybe that's why they're doing this.  They know I have questions.  

The other night I decided to buy an Ouija board.  It's time for me to resolve some unfinished business.  This is one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time.  Given my history with those things and how devastating it was the last time, and how I damn near didn't survive, it's an idea that is positively suicidal.  

But I have unfinished business and a need to dive into that world again.  I feel like they're calling to me and singing to me like dark, shadowy sirens.  

Plus, in another way, I feel as if there's nothing else.  

This keto diet I'm on is really taking a heavy toll on me.  I've spent all day having hot flashes.  I'll be fine and then suddenly I'll be on fire and sweating as if I'd just done something vigorous.  My shirt would be drenched with sweat.  I'd cool off for a bit and then it would come back.  

All day long.  

Last night, I had nightmares in the brief minutes I did sleep.  Ugly nightmares.  In one of them, I was bitten hard on the foot by a squirrel.  I woke up with that foot, the same spot, in pain that lasted for a few minutes into consciousness.  And from time to time all day long, I've felt that pain in that exact spot, off and on.    

But I've kept on the course I've chosen.  I have not cheated.  I've kept doing yoga.  I've remained active.  I haven't given up.  

Maybe that's why my visitors are back.  

Several months ago, I was in a dark place mentally and emotionally.  It was a bad night.  There are no other words to describe just how bad it was than to say I have not experienced it since.  In that time, I felt abandoned by my visitors, and left alone.  I felt as if they simply walked away and left be behind.  

I called to them.  I asked them to come back.  Their answer was silence.  I couldn't hear them or sense them.  There was nothing.  

Last night, months later, was the first time since that night they made their presence known.  And I'm happy.  

My friends are back.  

I don't trust mediums.  They fill in the blanks between what they know way too often to make themselves relevant and useful.  They want to justify their expense rather than to simply say, "I've got nothing."  So, I haven't hired any to walk through and give me their answers.  I'm not interested in their perception of the truth anyways.  Perceptions are shaped by too many factors and often aren't close enough to the truth to be useful.  

Why do all of this?  Why not send these spirits packing?  Why not set up defenses and protect myself?  I certainly know how.  It would be simple.  I'm capable of a lot of protection and I could make my apartment a fortress that could keep out all manner of spirits.  I've done battle before and won handily each time.  The scars of my past battles are easily noticed by them and to be frank, when I walk into a place with a lot of activity, they know me for what I am and want no part of it.  

So why indulge these spirits?  Why not silence them?  

The short answer is I want that connection again.  It's been a long time and I miss it.  I miss the feeling of being connected to that world.  I miss the rush of impossible knowledge and the sight that sees beyond the visual.  I miss the connection I felt with all of that energy coursing through me.  I can contain it this time.  I know how to ground it and keep it flowing.  I know how to keep it from souring.  I can find the balance this time.  

We say history repeats itself because our lives are spiral dances.  Starhawk wrote about that in her groundbreaking book, The Spiral Dance And we often repeat patterns.  The last time I went this route, I was in similar circumstances.  The difference this time I know more, I understand more, and I know who and what I seek from this connection.  Once I open the portal, I know what to do.   

The last time I went this route, it ended badly.  So badly, it almost killed me, and it took me years to recover.  And I don't think I honestly recovered fully.  

There are still a few things I need to do before I can take this path.  I need to seek out a Reiki master to help me deal with some scar tissue that has caused a misalignment within.  Once that's fixed, I can move forward.  

My friends who are visiting me at night are calling out to me to do something.  I think they're inviting me to join them.  They are beckoning to me.  And I'm ready.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like I know which direction to move and it feels great.