Nekkid Time!

Just so you know, as I write this, I'm butt-naked.  I'm not wearing a stitch of clothing.

Think about that for a minute.  You and I are connecting on a deep, soulful level, and I'm totally naked as we do it.  Right now, you are connecting with a fat, naked man.

How does it feel?  I took a shower this week, too.

Anyways, while I'm sitting here, I'd like to direct your attention to the top of this blog post where you will find a button that says Buy Me a Coffee.

If you click on that, you'll get taken to a website that allows you to buy me a cup of coffee.  Or a beer.
I'd like to find an icon the says "Buy Me a Beer" but I can't, which means I'll have to make one myself.  That's not a problem, either.  I'm not bad with GIMP and Open Office Draw.

See?  That doesn't look too shitty, does it?  I mean, it's green, because we always associate the Irish for being a bunch of drunks, which pisses the Irish off and they gripe about it bitterly in the pub after a few pints of Guinness.  

Right now, I'm trying to figure some shit out.  As many of you know, I just made a series of changes in my life, some I'm happy to have done and a few I wish I'd never made but had no other options.  It sucks.  It really sucks.  

But that's life.  We make changes and hope they are healthy ones that lead us to better times.  

Or, if you're me, you do things you know will get you into trouble and break your heart.  Ten years ago, there was a woman in my life named Ruby who made it a habit of tearing my heart out of my chest and feasting upon the bloody organ.  

Ruby would come on like a hurricane, and I would launch myself at her like a cruise missile.  Then, she would suddenly disappear without a word for a week or so, pop back up, and tell me she left me for some dude she met.  A few months to a year later, she would come back into my life with all kinds of scars and horror stories about abuse.  She would get treated like a dog by these men.  She and I would start back up again, and she would disappear suddenly all over again.  

All the while, in my mind, I'm asking myself:  "Why am I so bad?  Why would a woman prefer to be treated like an animal, and to be abused, beaten, cheated on, infected, and humiliated instead of being with me?  Was I really that bad?  I must be because she preferred them over me."

And that was my thought process.  But I still took her back each time, thinking she was the best I could do, and I somehow deserved to be treated like that by women.  

The fourth time around, I knew I had to cut her loose, but I didn't have the balls.  So, I wrote down what I need to tell her, drank a bottle of honey whiskey, and once I was good and drunk I said them to her.  Mercifully, the anguish she put me through was evident, and she left me alone for good.  I never spoke to her again.  

Last week, I didn't need to get drunk or stoned, and I'm gonna call that growth. 

Last night, I finished a short story that was an allegory for what it was like to lose my family.  It was based on the last phone conversation I had with my wife.  This story was the most painful piece of fiction I've ever written and I would say the most honest.  It was also the darkest story I've ever put down on paper.  

I thought it would somehow help but it didn't.  Instead, it dredged up a lot of horrible feelings and I revisited some of the most painful memories of my past.  It didn't help.  

Another lesson learned.  

Also, right now I'm at a crossroads with my job.  My new job, which I happen to like, cut our hours down to a bit more than half.  Plus, because the call volume was so light, they were sending us home early on top of that.  Last week's paycheck was for 14.45 hours.  This week's paycheck will be for 18.21 hours.  There is no way I can live on that.  

So, that gives me a few options.  

1.  Wait for things to pick up at the current job, scrape my pennies together, and hope I can cover rent by the 1st of the month.  This has good and bad aspects to it and while I have no proof it will happen, history says this job will pick up soon and they'll once again have me working full-time.  

2.  Jump ship and get a new job with a new company.  That's a scary thought because you never know what you'll run into.  We all know the proverbs.  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.  Out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Don't pick your toe jam in the movie theater.  

3.  Cut everything and move to a city where the jobs are better, there's a large artist community, more variety in everything, and more opportunities.  I'm thinking about moving to Las Vegas.  That's a huge jump and there's no way I could pull it off right now.  None.  

My thoughts on the subject are this:  I have four paychecks until rent is due.  I'm confident I can save up enough to cover that, but the rest is up in the air.  Power, water, internet.  I'll cover power in this next paycheck for a month, but the rest of the bills aren't going to pay themselves and will have to wait.  I would be gambling that hours would pick up in the next few weeks and I would be back to working full-time.  No proof this will happen, just historical patterns, and assurances from supervisors.  

I'm lucky these have been work-from-home jobs because the motor in my car has a rod that is knocking and I don't think I have many miles left in it.  As it stands, I'm pretty sure the motor will blow before the summer months are finished.  When that happens, I'd better damn well be working full-time hours in at least one job, if not a second.  

The ice cream videos are going well, though, and I think I've got enough money until payday to buy some supplies--enough to make another three or four videos.  I hope, anyways.  I really enjoy those videos.  I was able to submit my entry into the PBS Create contest and while the video has issues, I think it shows enough to be good.  I'm confident.  

And that's really it, isn't it?  I'm confident.  I'm confident that tomorrow will be better than today.  In fact, I'm so confident, I'm not wearing a single stitch of clothing.  I'm ready to face these challenges butt-assed naked.  

But wow, it's really cold out.